The only thing you can do is laugh...

Today is Veteran's Day. I am very thankful for my dad who served in the navy during Vietnam and for Chief who is no longer a Veteran but actively serves his country now.

Like every good state employee, I should have slept in today. However, I was awakened at 6:30am to handle a crisis in my own home.

To see the full hilarity of this event, I need to take you back one year. About one year ago I was sitting in my living room and noticed a brownish spot on the ceiling. It was almost the same color as the walls at the time and I thought it was paint that I had never noticed before. I’m very observant, so it really bothered me that I hadn’t seen this before. Then one day I noticed a bigger spot with a darker outline around it and while positioning some pictures on the mantel I noticed that the wall had a crack in it. Just a surface crack like the paint was peeling off. Then I looked up. Straight up from the spot where the paint was peeling, there was a spot on the ceiling. A water leak?

I alerted Chief and the next time it rained we watched the spot and sure enough it was darker in color and wet to the touch. I said we need to do something about this. Chief promised to look at it and said he could probably fix it himself. About 6 months ago I called a roofer to come look at it and he said he could fix it for $1500. Well no way was Chief going to pay $1500 when he could “fix it himself.” On Chief’s behalf he did try to fix it twice and it didn’t work.

Over the last month it got really bad and one day I came home to a hole cut in the ceiling and wall. Chief said I had to see what was going on back there. So for the past two weeks there has been a gaping hole. My mouth has stayed shut. Two days ago Chief found a crack in the flashing and resealed it, knowing that this was it. Tropical Storm Ida was in the forecast so we knew his work would be put to the test, which brings us to today.

Tropical storm Ida rolled in yesterday and Chief said I think it’s fixed. When I got home from work there was a towel stuffed in the hole that appeared to be wet, but I didn’t say anything. We went to bed and several times the heavy rain woke me up. I didn’t even think about the gaping hole. I was enjoying my sleep while Chief got ready for work. He kissed me goodbye and I heard him go into the kitchen. I think I dozed back off and then I heard him coming down the hall with heavy footsteps. He rushed in the bedroom and he had that tone in his voice that I have only ever heard once before when we had an unfortunate accident with our old dog. Millions of things are racing through my head. First I looked to my left to see that the dog was still sleeping. Then I thought somebody must have stolen his truck. Chief said “there’s a small disaster in the living room, I’m sorry, but I’m late for work, I’ve got to go, somebody will be here tomorrow to fix this.”

As I came around the corner, I saw water all over the living room floor. Aroused from my peaceful slumber I was scrambling to find every dry towel in the house. Chief started to go out the door and cursed at himself and then looked at me and we both just burst into laughter.

The moral of this story is that anger and harsh words would not have fixed this situation. Laughter was the best way to handle it. My dear husband even stopped to say “you probably want to take some pictures of this” and I said “yes this will make a good blog.”

* to get the full effect of the photos click on them and they will open in a larger window.

Peace that Passeth All Understanding

Finally, I have definite confirmation of what's keeping me from carrying a pregnancy. I have had blood tests in the past that showed maybe this or that but nothing definite. I had a follow-up consultation with our RE this week to find out the results of the blood work that she ordered. She was looking for some more specific things that a regular OB/GYN just doesn't look at and won't take the extra step to do.

Looking at the numbers, I definitely have an autoimmune problem. My immune system is confused by a pregnancy and reacts by trying to fight it off such as it would with an infection. One of two things is happening. Either my blood reacts by clotting in the placenta and inhibiting fetal growth or my blood vessels are constricting and cutting off the blood supply to the fetus. This is commonly treated with blood thinner and aspirin. I did take blood thinner and aspirin last time, but there is always the unknown factor. Dr. S said last time that even when all the "problems" are corrected you can still have a miscarriage.

Our RE wants us to try again with aspirin and prescription vitamins before conception and add Lovenox injections and progesterone supplements after conception. There is no logical, medical reason this shouldn't totally correct the problem. However, there is always the unknown random factor that could differ each time. I want to have hope that it will work next time, but since I was on the Lovenox and aspirin last time I just don't know.

She also mentioned that another option for us would be surrogacy. She said she has seen good results in others with similar issues as mine. It would involve in vitro fertilization of our embryo into the surrogate mother. Wow. When I stop to think about it, it is overwhelming. It sounds like such an easy thing, but when I start to think of all the details involved it gets to be a little too much to think about. The crazy thing is I have already had friends offer that to me because they have children and want me to be able to have my own.  Just the fact that someone would offer that to me brings me to tears.  However, in-vitro would be involved and we don’t believe in that, so how could I?

The wonderful thing is I have peace that passes all understanding.

Philippians 4:6-7 (The Living Bible) “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs and don’t forget to thank him for his answers. If you do this you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus.”

I have more peace than I have had over the last three years. I just needed a reason. A medical reason for this. It still doesn’t provide an answer, just a reason. The question is “why me” which we may never have an answer to. God has prepared me for this though. I don’t have the intense longing and desire to physically be pregnant and carry a baby. I have the desire to be a mother and praise God there are babies and children that need a mother.

Walmart Update

I sent Walmart an e-mail about my shopping experience.  I really did not expect a reply, but today a manager called me.  He apologized for my bad experience and said that he has had a lot of turnover with cashiers and he's trying to hire some more so there will be more lanes open and the wait won't be as long.  He aplogized many times and said that if I do come back to ask for a manager and I will get a $10 gift card.  Hmmm... can you only imagine how that would go trying to get the gift card.  Thanks, but no thanks.

However, yesterday I went to the Pig and was greeted once coming in the door by a manager.  Then when I was in the produce section another manager spoke to me.  Then when I went to check-out there were two cashiers standing out in the aisle that said "I can take you here."  They were polite, smiled, looked me in the eye and asked for my PFC card.  There were even those F.R.O.G cards (Fully Relying on God) laying by the register for you to take one.

Big on the Pig!

Full House

Chief and I had a wonderful weekend with a house full of family, friends, and little ones.  It was a joy having these precious little ones in our home.

 

I won't pretend that it wasn't an emotional roller coaster.  I had such a good time and was surrounded by people, but I felt so empty at times.  As long as I was busy and going I was fine, but when I stopped and looked around I wanted to cry. Especially when some other friends came over to visit and there we were;  the three men standing and talking and the women sitting on the floor with the 4 kids running (crawling) around.  I felt so out of place.  Both of the couples were married after we were and Chief was in both of their weddings, and there they were with two children each.  It was also emotional remembering that Halloween 2 years ago I had just had a miscarriage, and Halloween last year I was pregnant.  I measure time in pregnancies.

Chief said when he was watching me with "Abby Cadabby"  he wanted a child... for me.   Chief doesn't vocalize his feelings about our situation that often so it meant a lot for him to say that.  Chief also held a baby for the first time this weekend.  "Superman" must have melted his heart.

Chief and I ended the weekend with a good Sunday of churchin' at First Baptist Lexington.  Check it out if you're in the area.

Walmart Meltdown... I'm going back to the Pig

When Chief and I first got married I was so excited to plan meals and grocery shop. I even clipped coupons. There is a Piggly Wiggly near our house and I went there because it was convenient and once I learned about Greenbax I was hooked. Chief always said, why don't you go to Walmart. They have everything and it’s cheaper. Ewww, Ughhh, Walmart. I don't think so. But then a year or so ago when gas prices got so high our grocery bill went up and up. I caved in and went to Walamrt and was amazed at how much cheaper a lot of items were such as cereal. So I started shopping at Walmart, but still going to the Pig for fresh produce. Walmart has never, ever had good green or red leaf lettuce.

Everytime I do "big grocery shopping" at Walmart I come home in a bad mood. It's tiring dodging all the people, waiting forever in line, and putting the groceries in the cart, putting them on the conveyor belt, putting them back in the cart, putting them in the car, and then taking them out when you get home.

Last night I deliberately came home from work first and exercised to take a little break before I tackled the Walmart. I even clipped some coupons before I went. It took about an hour to get everything I needed and then I proceeded to the checkout. There were probably 4 express lanes and 5 regular lanes open. The lines were out into the store at each one. I stood in line for 20 minutes steaming about the wait, the fact that they have all these lanes, but only some are open. I read two magazines while thinking that my milk was going to go bad if I stood there any longer. I texted Chief to let him know that I picked the wrong line. Finally, it was my turn. I laid my cloth bags on the conveyor first with the coupons on top. Then I put all my groceries out grouped in like items so it would be easy to put them in the grocery bags. The cashier started asking me what I wanted in each bag. Do you want this in a bag? What else do you want in this bag? This bag is going to be too heavy. Oh for Pete's sake, let me back there. I could have this done in 2 minutes. After instructing her on how to bag my groceries and still wondering if the milk was spoiled yet, I swiped my credit card and got out of there. While putting my groceries in the car, I realized that she hadn't scanned my coupons. I was not about to go back in there to save a few dollars because I was sure by this point that the milk had gone bad.

I walked in the house when I got home and went straight to Chief and said "all I ask is that I can go back to my Pig and pay the extra $20 or $30 dollars." He said ok, no questions asked. He knew better. Then while he was putting the groceries up he said "were you afraid I was going to run out of soup" while holding up a can of Campbell's Chunky. No, I was not, but I had a coupon for $0.75 off 4 cans! A coupon that was never scanned!

Forgive me Pig for betraying you. I'm on the way back and I look forward to your customer service and Greenbax. I look forward to your taking the groceries from my cart and putting them back in and then putting them in my car. But most of all I look forward to being asked "do you want to use your Greenbax?"

I guess I'll find out about the milk tonight with my cereal...

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

I lit a candle for each one of my pregnancy losses.

It will happen...

Those were the wise words offered to me today by a young pregnant woman at work. She asked the dreaded question, "Do you have any children?" I realize now she was asking so that she could bring up the fact that she was pregnant. I do understand that it would have been awkward for her just to say, "I'm pregnant." However, I had to endure the discomfort and awkwardness in order to get to her joyous news. I said no, actually I've had 4 miscarriages (I just lay it all out there to start with now.) And bless her heart, she said... "Oh I'm sorry, don't worry, it will happen." What will happen? Somebody please tell me.

She then proceeded to tell me when her next ultrasound was and she would be finding out if it was a boy or girl and she would be sure to copy me on the e-mail when she announced it to everyone. Then this man who was listening in says "my wife's expecting in May." And that's when I thought; ok the fun's over, moving on....

I found a blog that is being written to list 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility. I know I don't like the word infertility, but I can't help what she named the blog. Check it out. It's hysterical and true! If you are there or have been there you will appreciate this bit of humor every day.

Making a difference...

One bag at a time.  I had a similar experience to my mom tonight at Walmart.  I have been using cloth grocery bags for several months.  I have a hodge-podge that I have gathered.  Tonight the couple behind me in line was watching me very closely (you have to be organized to use the bags).  The man said to his wife, "we need to start using those."   Then she reached over and picked up a couple from the shelf by the check-out and they used them to put their groceries in. 

The cloth bags are great because they hold a lot!  Almost too much at times and then they get heavy.   It helps the cashier if you put your items out in groups of things that will fit together in the bags.  All boxed items togther, etc.  The big things like clothes detergent, gallon milk, paper towels, etc do not need a bag.  Give it a try.  Once you start you won't go back.