No Worries

Just an ordinary day at home...

2012-02-01T19:03:00.000-05:00

**Updated**

Mommyhood means something new every day. I am living the craziness I've only heard others talk about. The cool thing is, most of the time, the only thing you can do is laugh. Laughing turns it from something gross, frustrating, tiring, etc into a normal, easy-going day. John and I are very laid back and easy going so it has been fairly easy to take it all in stride. Today was just one of those days when I finally get in bed I'll just smile and laugh and look forward to a good night's sleep.

I woke up before the baby and decided to shower while she was still sleeping since John and I planned to go grocery shopping first thing. While I was in the shower, the baby woke up and John put her in the bed with him to watch the news. I fed her her fruit and cereal and made a bottle for John to give her while I got ready. (We work together because we are Team Hendrix). When I was ready I dressed baby in a new outfit that looked pretty cute and I gave her back to John while I got the diaper bag ready etc. When I walked in the kitchen baby was in her Bumbo and John was in the laundry room. "She needs to be changed" he said. Ok, a little spit up, I can clean this up. Nope, it was everywhere including her back. John was cleaning himself up, so I completely changed baby and the diaper while I was there. Now we're ready to go.

We made it to the necessary evil (Walmart) and baby sat in the cart like a big girl for the first time.

Shopping went well and I kept baby entertained with Puffs.

During checkout I took baby out of the cart and noticed a wet, brownish spot on her pants. I knew what it probably was, but since the people in line behind me had seen it, I made a verbal proclamation that it was indeed puff drool.

In the car I gave baby her bottle while John loaded the groceries and then drove to CVS. Baby was sleepy and I knew the drive home would do her in, so I wanted to get the diaper changed before we got home. John went in CVS and locked the car with the remote. So when I opened the back door the car the alarm went off. Nothing I coud do to stop it, so I sat in the back with baby with the alarm going. I have now realized that baby had a major blow-out and her clothes and the car seat are messed up. I wrangle her down in the seat and strip her down. At some point the horn stops blowing and just the hazard lights are blinking. I get baby cleaned up and John returns and asks if I realize the hazard lights are on. Yep, I do.

At this point we law abiding citizens actually discuss how to get baby back home without putting her in the car seat. I thought sitting her in the middle and covering her with a blanket would be a good idea. We decide not to test the Lexington PD.

I make a car seat cover out of a burp cloth and baby is in and asleep within minutes.

Baby sleeps peacefully in her crib while John and I unload groceries and eat lunch. We have just settled down for a nap ourselves while watching Y&R (John's a good husband) when baby wakes up. I put her in the exersaucer in hopes of continuing my nap. No such luck and and hour later I'm just cranky. I admit I get cranky when I don't get a nap. I'd rather stay on my feet all day then get an "almost nap."

I decide to go for a walk since it is a beautiful 70 degrees. Would you believe it? Baby went to sleep during our walk... But she woke up in time for her first yard work with mommy. I've waited on this day for a long time and she's definitely mine. She immediately picked up a big handful of grass and put it in her mouth. I can't wait for many more years of working together.

John even realized the specialness of this moment and snapped this picture.

Then baby played with her cover-less car seat while I washed dishes.

Then I started this post at 4:30pm and it is now 7:00pm. The writing of this post encompassed dinner, bath time, and bedtime and much more such as 2 internet/ computer crashes.

I love it! Ready for tomorrow!

Baby woke up at 1:30, 2:30, 3:00. 3:30, and at 3:38 I decided to just stay up. John had to get up at 5:15, so I didn't want to keep getting in and out of bed. I gave her a paci, changed her diaper, and she was just wide awake. So, I moved to the couch and she went back to sleep. At 4 I put her in the crib and laid back down on the couch and about 20 minutes later she was back up. I brought her back to the couch and did the only thing I could think of.... gave her a bottle. She sucked it down and passed out. The poor thing was hungry. So we slept on the couch until John got up and then baby and me got back in my bed and slept until 7:30. And so another day starts...

What do you do when...

2012-01-31T11:17:00.000-05:00

What do you do when your 7 month old is pulling herself up. I was just getting used to the crawling and the house was pretty much baby proof. Now she is starting to pull up. I find myself saying "sit down" a lot. I won't post any bath photos,but she has learned to pull up in her little pink bath tub. We had just gotten to the point where she would sit and play in the water and have the best time and I would just sit and watch her. Now I can't let go of her for a second or she's standing up. Ok, what's the big deal? Well, we all know that a 7 month old standing up is immediately followed by a crash and a head bump. I think I might just bathe her in the kitchen sink. It's more contained and I won't break my back hanging onto her.

I put her in a laundry basket today. I know our parents did it and I thought it would be something new and fun for a little bit while I folded clothes. Yep, she can pull up in there too and it will tip over. Like a good mom I put the camera down and didn't get any crying pictures...

She Graduated!

2012-01-28T08:19:00.003-05:00

After a traumatic head scan and a bottle, Ellaree graduated from the helmet program. Yea! There's a whole lot of numbers involved, but to sum it up her asymmetry was cut in half and her ears are lined up. Now her hair can start to grow out of her helmet head, boy cut.

The red line is her head before and the blue line is after.

Ellaree even got a trophy for graduation. Her very own model of her head with her helmet. One of those things we'll get out and tell stories on when she's Miss America (being facetious of course).

Bye Bye Helmet.

Friday Favorite

2012-01-27T16:06:00.002-05:00

Me and my shadow

2012-01-24T10:48:00.000-05:00

I caught Ellaree playing with her shadow. She's very inqusitive. Can't wait to see how that develops over time. I pray that she always explores the world around her is amazed by the complexity of God's creation.

Overdue Friday Favorite

2012-01-23T10:08:00.001-05:00

I have every intention of uploading one of my favorite pics of Ellaree every Friday, but I only managed to do one before I got off schedule. I will try again for this Friday. Isn't this one cool?

Friday Favorite

2012-01-13T17:47:00.001-05:00

Worth the Wait

Thou should not...

2012-01-12T16:55:00.000-05:00

Thou should not brag on thy baby's good sleeping. Every night since I posted that Baby sleeps all night, she has awoken many times.

Ellaree stayed with Nana and Papa Tuesday night so John and I could celebrate our 8th anniversary.

Their precious granddaughter was up at 4am. Can you believe that? She did go back to sleep, but she was up at 6am for good. Sorry...

Last night Ellaree woke up at 1:30am, but went back to sleep after I rocked her. Then she woke up at 3:00am and I rocked her back to sleep and she woke up as soon as I laid her down. I did this again, and again she woke up. So she and I snuggled up in the recliner which after about 30 seconds she wanted no part of.

I didn't know what else to do, so I gave her a bottle. She guzzled it and went into a deep sleep and I was able to put her down in the crib at 4:30am. She was wide awake at 6:15am, so I put her in the bed with me and she went back to sleep until 8:00am.

Tonight I hope for better...

But isn't she precious.

7 months

2012-01-09T15:12:00.000-05:00

Ellaree Rose is 7 months old. What a joy she is to be around everyday. She is such a good baby! She babbled up until 6 months and then she took a vow of silence. But miraculously on her 7 month birthday yesterday, she started talking again. She has babbled non-stop ever since. She even said ma-ma. I know it wasn't on purpose, but it still made me feel good.

Ellaree probably weighs somewhere in the 16lb range and still wears a size 2 diaper. She eats everything I have given her which includes rice cereal, oatmeal, pears, bananas, sweet potato, squash, and peas. She takes a good nap in the morning, but fights her afternoon nap and usually doesn't take it. She loves to take a bath and splash in the water. She sleeps from 7pm to 7am usually and doesn't wake up. She can sit up for a few minutes by herself and she can army crawl.

Her hair is turning blonder and her eyes are a bright beautiful blue.

I can't believe she is 7 months and I'm already thinking about what I want to do for her first birthday party. Also, I'm really looking forward to Mother's Day weekend in May when she gets to go to the beach with mommy and Nana. But I am not rushing... I am enjoying every precious moment.

The Helmet

2011-12-20T10:31:00.000-05:00

We are almost done with the helmet. Yea!!

Nice skullcap Ellaree

Lying in the special scanner

Ellaree says, "Oh no, 3 more weeks."

Doesn't her hair look so red in this picture?

Christmas Card

2011-12-11T13:36:00.001-05:00

Shiny Sparkly Ornaments Christmas

Shop Shutterfly for unique,Christmas card designs.

View the entire collection of cards.

6 months

2011-12-08T17:13:00.001-05:00

Ellaree Rose is 6 months old today. She weighs 15lbs 9oz and is the 50th percentile for weight and the 25th for height. My little baby is growing way too fast. She is eating rice cereal, pears, and bananas. She still needs a bottle once during the night, but we are working on that. She is very close to sitting up and crawling, but mainly just rolls and scoots. This week she cut her first tooth. She is a joy to be with every day and I am so thankful I get to be with her. Before she was born I prayed that she would have a good personality. Everyone that has been around her knows that she is a doll. She lets almost anyone hold her and she "talks" to everybody. She had her 6 month checkup today and the doctor confirmed that she is still perfect! She was not happy about her shots and screamed louder than ever before. I was starting to be a little embarrassed and worried that the other children would be traumatized. I had to make her a bottle to stop the screaming...

1st little tooth

Ellaree's 6 month present from Nana and Papa was Sophie the Giraffe.

She absolutely loved it. Now I know why it's always been so popular.

On a different note, I have developed Mommy Thumb. Seriously it's a real condition from picking up and holding the baby and her bottles. I am wearing a splint and taking Alieve to try and treat it. Nana also has it from her time taking care of Ellaree. She is going to the doc on Monday and to see about getting a cortisone shot. If it works I may get one too. When I googled it, who knew it would actually be a real condition. I had been calling it Mommy Hand.

Restroom woes

2011-11-20T18:46:00.001-05:00

Today Ellaree and I went to the mall to look for a Christmas dress. We've been shopping before, but usually to Buy Buy Baby or Khols which are mother/baby friendly.

I got a good laugh today in Belk when I need to use the restroom with a 5 month old in a stroller who also needed a diaper change. Cool, they have a baby chaning room. Oops that's only a changing room, no toilet. Neat, I can go in the family room for the first time. Oh, that's only a big toilet and a little toilet; no baby changer. Ok then, I'll go in the women's restroom. Handicapped stall of course to accomodate the stroller. Oh, there's no baby changer in the ladies room. Wonder if they would mind if I use that vanity area. I'll just go back to the baby changing room. Oh nevermind, I'll just change her in the car....

Shouldn't the family room have toilets and a baby changer to accomodate all family members?

Time is flying..... Slow Down

2011-10-29T09:11:00.000-04:00

Time is flying. Ellaree is 4 months old and started laughing on her own. I just smiled at her and she started laughing.

4 weeks

2011-07-06T16:17:00.000-04:00

Ellaree Rose is 4 weeks old today. It seems that time is flying by but at the same time it feels like she has always been with us. We are settled in and spend our days feeding, changing, holding, and sleeping. Each day seems to run into the next, but we are learning how to get some things done in between. Everyone was right when they said that you should sleep when she sleeps, but I fall in the category of most people that don't.

Ellaree has grown a lot in the past 2 weeks. We don't know how much she weighs, but we tried to measure her length and we think she is 19 inches. She doesn't go back to the pediatrician until August 5 which will be her 2 month check-up. Ellaree is such a good baby and we have not experienced any of the hard times that others talk about. She has learned to cry when she is hungry, sleepy, or needs changing but its only a short cry or two and she is done. She makes a lot of noise at night and we are having a hard time sleeping through that even though she isn't. We are also learning that she doesn't need to be fed every time she wakes up.

This afternoon for the first time I fed her, swaddled her, and laid her down in the crib and shut the door to let her sleep in complete peace. I am trying to find out how long she will sleep on her own if we don't interrupt her. I have to admit most days I will hold her while she sleeps or put her in her bouncer seat near me and whatever I am doing. I am assuming that she may sleep more soundly and longer in the crib, so this is my test. I laid her down at 2:45 and it is now 4:15 and she is still sleeping soundly. However, there is nothing more I would rather be doing than holding her.

Ellaree's Birth Announcement

2011-07-06T13:04:00.000-04:00

We are still here...

2011-06-27T19:53:00.000-04:00

Ellaree Rose made it home from the hospital on June 16 after spending 8 days in the Special Care Nursery. We are enjoying every minute with her and I have not found time to blog. Hope to be back soon with all the details of her arrival and our stay in the Special Care Nursery.

Ellaree Rose Hendrix

2011-06-11T19:29:00.003-04:00

Ellaree Rose Hendrix

June 8, 2011

2:41 pm

5lbs 3.5oz

18 inches

Tuesday morning I went to work prepared to be showered with the last of the baby gifts that I would wash and put up before the baby arrived. John joined me at work and we partied for a couple hours and then I finished up a couple things at my desk and then I met John at my doctor's appt at 3:30pm. We were scheduled for an ultrasound and from the moment the nurse put the wand to my belly I knew something wasn't right.

There was very little amniotic fluid and she was unable to measure it or the baby. Using the best measurements she could she estimated fluid level of 2 (it should be over 10) and the baby's size at 4lbs 12 oz. which would indicate that her growth had slowed down.

The nurse was very sweet and explained that we probably would need to deliver the baby soon etc. We didn't really believe her. We asked if we would come back in the morning to be induced. She said Dr. S is probably not going to let you go home. Ok.... just bring in Dr.S.

Dr. S in all his infinite wisdom said we do not know why amniotic fluid decreases. I may have been leaking slowly for the past week or the baby stopped producing fluid through urine possibly because the placenta was starting to break down due to my Lovenox injections. Either way the baby needed to cone out as soon as possible and he would induce the next morning so I would have been off my Lovenox for 24 hours.

The nurse walked us straight over to Labor and Delivery and I was in a gown in the bed by 4:45pm. And our journey began...

Change of Plans

2011-06-08T00:25:00.000-04:00

Baby Girl Hendrix will be arriving tomorrow. Well actually today since it is after midnight. At my regular doctor's appointment my fluid level was very low and apparently I may have been leaking it this week.

Nursery Teaser

2011-06-04T20:19:00.001-04:00

More pics to come...

34 weeks

2011-05-27T20:32:00.000-04:00

This week has been hard. I finally really started feeling the effects of late pregnancy. My legs are swelling and I am having a lot of Braxton-Hicks contractions. I had my regualar appointment on Monday at which I had gained 18 lbs. I went back Friday and had gained 20 lbs which the doc says is fluid retention since I shouldn't have gained 2lbs in that time frame. I can go to work, but I'm supposed to rest as much as possible, drink insane amounts of water, and stay out of the heat. It has been unusually warm for May.

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 34 Weeks

Size of baby: I'm guessing over 5lbs

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Gained 20lbs

Maternity Clothes: I'm wearing the same clothes over and over and over.

Gender: It's a girl! Yes, she has a name. We're just keeping a secret a little longer.

Movement: There has been less movement this week, but I think she has run out of room to move.

Sleep: Pretty good

What I miss: Sleeping on my back, Working out

Cravings: Doughnuts

Symptoms: braxton hicks, heartburn, swelling

32 weeks

2011-05-17T19:53:00.000-04:00

Mom and I on our traditional Hilton Head Mother's Day trip. What a difference a year makes.

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 32 Weeks

Size of baby: Baby Girl weighs 4 lbs 6 oz.

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Gained 18lbs

Maternity Clothes: I'm wearing the same clothes over and over and over.

Gender: It's a girl! Yes, she has a name. We're just keeping a secret a little longer.

Movement: Lots! My big girl has run out of room and I can feel her feet and toosh moving around under my ribs. Unfortunately, her hands are near my bladder and I get some very uncomfortable sensations there.

Sleep: Some nights it's ok, and some it's not ok.

What I miss: Being able to bend over and tie my own shoes.

Cravings: I'm really hungry again but not for anything specific. I'll eat whatever is in front of me.

Symptoms: braxton hicks, heartburn, sore muscles

Next appointment: May 23

At my last appointment everything looked good on the ultrasound. The fluid level was heard to measure but they think it's ok. The 4D image was really scary, so the nurse turned that off. Who wants to see their uterus in 4D? Baby Girl weighed 4lbs 6oz. She's healthy! With technically 8 more weeks to go she would definitely be over 8 pounds. However, Dr. S doesn't want me to go much past 37 weeks because the risk is too high of me going into labor on my own, so we will be meeting her on June 20! June 20, 2007 we brought home Duke from the shelter about a month after my first miscarriage. Now, 4 years later, we will be welcoming our first non-fur child. This pregnancy has seemed really long to me, but I think it's because we've been working on it for so long. I feel like I have been pregnant for 4 years.

Photos from my first (very surreal) baby shower.

29 thru 31 weeks

2011-05-07T20:09:00.003-04:00

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 31 Weeks

Size of baby: Baby Hendrix is about 16 inches long and weighs about 3 lbs 3 oz

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Gained 15lbs

Maternity Clothes: Whatever I can get into. Invested in a two shirts, two pair of capri pants, and 2 dresses to make it the rest of the way. I'm kinda getting tired of wearing the same thing over and over, but at least I don't have to decide what to wear.

Gender: It's a girl! Yes, she has a name. We're just keeping a secret a little longer.

Movement: Got my first kick in the ribs this week. I can feel her little feet when she's pressing them against my belly.

Sleep: I have found a comfortable position and have been sleeping most of the night.

What I miss: Energy and ability to do things for myself.

Cravings: None

Symptoms: Lots of braxton hicks

Next appointment: May 16

At my last appointment Dr. S said congratulations you've made it 3/4 of the way there. We're home free now. He said HOME FREE!! My cervix is long, thick, and closed and posterior which it is apparently supposed to be and she's still head down like a good girl. My perfect baby will be born perfectly in less than 9 weeks.

28 week ultrasound

2011-04-18T21:49:00.002-04:00

I had a very good appointment today and got to see my sweet girl. She has changed so much since the last time we saw her at 18 weeks. Today she was checked for growth, blood flow, and amniotic fluid. All are just perfect. She is measuring 28 weeks exactly. Her amniotic fluid was 12cm which should be between 10-20. And just because we could see it so clearly... she is definitely still a girl. Today she was head down lying on her left side. They are estimating a weight of 2lbs 8oz.

Due to my Lovenox injections, I will have another ultrasound at 32 weeks and then one every week until she arrives to keep an eye on growth and blood flow. I did find out today that my delivery will be scheduled so that I can be off the Lovenox for 24 hours before delivery. If I go into labor on my own without being off the Lovenox, I cannot have an epidural (not good) or if I needed a section I would have to be put totally under with general anesthesia. I would ideally like to be pain free and aware of what's going on, so scheduled it is.

I don't like the idea of her birthday being "picked" or scheduled, but whatever day she arrives is the day she is supposed to be born. It's all in the plan.

4D of the face

2D that looks like the hand of God is holding her

28 weeks

2011-04-15T19:16:00.000-04:00

Only 12 more weeks!!!

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 28 Weeks

Size of baby: Baby Hendrix is about 15 inches long and weighs about 2 lbs 4 oz

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Gained 12lbs

Maternity Clothes: Whatever I can get into. I'm sporting an old, non-maternity dress in the photo above that I had been saving for pregnancy.

Gender: It's a girl! Yes, she has a name. We're just keeping a secret a little longer.

Movement: All the time. I actually feel her moving around, not just kicking.

Sleep: I have found a comfortable position and have been sleeping most of the night.

What I miss: Energy and ability to do things for myself.

Cravings: None

Symptoms: Tiredness, Braxton Hicks, Backache

Next appointment: Monday!

Childbirth class at the hospital on Saturday..."Your special delivery" is what they call it. :)

27 weeks

2011-04-08T19:35:00.000-04:00

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 27 Weeks

Size of baby: Baby Hendrix is about 14.5 inches long and weighs about 2lbs

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Gained 10lbs

Maternity Clothes: Whatever I can get into. Just dug out my warm weather clothes and found a few things that will work.

Gender: It's a girl!

Movement: All the time. I actually feel her moving around, not just kicking.

Sleep: I have found a comfortable position and have been sleeping most of the night.

What I miss: Energy and ability to do things for myself.

Cravings: None, but I am loving the Birthday Cake milkshake at Zaxby's

Symptoms: Tiredness, Braxton Hicks

My baby belly has really started to round out the past two days. I haven't gained any weight, but its just taking on a new shape. At my last doctor's appt her heartrate was 151 and my blood pressure was 140/70. I have a lot of braxton hicks, but doc says she's still right where she's supposed to be. I have an ultrasound on April 18, so we'll have some new pics of Baby Girl.

Run and Tell It

2011-03-27T17:32:00.000-04:00

At church this morning we were blessed by a group of students from Fairfield Central High School led by Jefffrey Lampkin. One song they sang was Run and Tell That by Michael Kelsey. Before they started to sing, Jeffrey said look a your neighbor and say "Neighbor, If the Lord has done anything for you, run and tell it."

As I sat there, I knew I needed to "tell it."

Of course, if you know me or follow my blog you know my story, but where does the story go from here? I can't ever forget where I've been and what I've been through. It would be easy to because everything seems so perfect now. But it is only perfect because this is God's perfect time.

I'm sure I'll have more trials in my life, but for now my testimony is the baby inside me and soon to be in my arms. I know I need to give God all the credit for this every opportunity I have, so I'm going to try to do that. It's hard though for people to understand how big this is It's hard to understand that over a four year period I was pregnant 6 times and had 6 miscarriages. We didn't really talk about it and I went right on with my life with a smile on my face every day. People didn't understand why I wasn't walking around a depressed, blubbering mess. Would that really have helped the situation? What kind of testimony would that have been?

Once you realize that you're not in control and God's plan will be revealed one day, you do honestly get the peace that passes all understanding. God answers our prayers in his perfect time and when he does its so big that we cannot deny His divine intervention. It wasn't a doctor, its wasn't science, it wasn't medicine, the stars didn't align... it was GOD.

This really has been a perfect pregnancy. Everything has happened "by the book" from the baby's size to my size, to her position when we did the ultrasound. At every doctor's appt I wait for some news that something isn't what it should be,but so far everything has been PERFECT. The doctor is still watching me closely, but I haven't given him much to work with which is a good thing.

She is PERFECT in God's PERFECT time.

Nursery Phase 1

2011-03-26T19:39:00.000-04:00

Pink walls and a BEAUTIFUL crib given to our sweet baby girl by my mom and dad.

It's perfect and the nursery is turning into just what a pictured.

Thank you!

Practicing with our giraffe baby.

25 weeks

2011-03-26T11:38:00.001-04:00

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 25 Weeks

Size of baby: Baby Hendrix is 13.5 inches long and weighs about 1lb 8oz

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Gained 10lbs

Maternity Clothes: Whatever I can get into. Exploring layering with some non-maternity clothes

Gender: It's a girl!

Movement: All the time. I actually feel her moving around, not just kicking. I think she may have had the hiccups last night.

Sleep: I have found a comfortable position and have been sleeping most of the night.

What I miss: Energy and ability to do anything.

Cravings: None.

Symptoms: Heartburn, Shortness of breath, tiredness

24 weeks

2011-03-18T22:32:00.002-04:00

23 weeks

24 weeks

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 24 Weeks

Size of baby: Baby Hendrix is 12-13 inches long and weighs 12-15 ounces

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Gained 9lbs

Maternity Clothes: Everything is maternity. Regular clothes are very uncomfortable.

Gender: It's a girl!

Movement: All the time. I actually felt her moving around today, not just kicking.

Sleep: I have found a comfortable position and have been sleeping most of the night.

What I miss: Energy and ability to do anything.

Cravings: None.

Symptoms: Heartburn and the tiredness is back.

21 weeks

2011-02-25T20:12:00.002-05:00

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 21Weeks

Size of baby: Baby Hendrix is 10-11 inches long and weighs 12-15 ounces

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Gained 7lbs

Maternity Clothes: Everything is maternity. Regular clothes are very uncomfortable.

Gender: It's a girl!

Movement: Yes! She kicks up a storm most of the time, so I worry when I don't feel her.

Sleep: I cannot get comfortable.

What I miss: Sleeping all night.

Cravings: None, I have lost my appetite.

Symptoms: Heartburn, Heartburn, Heartburn

20 weeks

2011-02-21T20:13:00.000-05:00

Had another good doctor's appointment today. Perfectly on target with everything. I left on Cloud 9 feeling like the most perfect pregnant woman. Weight and growth are perfect according to the Doc. He said I need to gain 21 pounds by the end since you automatically lose 17-20 just by having the baby. I have gained 6 pounds, but I'm sure the other 15 will come soon enough. My blood pressure was 110/62 and the baby's heart rate was 140. We even "heard" a kick. Next month is the glucose test. Did you notice my new do? Hair-do that is...

And here's what Dad is looking like these days.

I can't wait to see who our little girl favors.

Baby Amber

or Baby John

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

2011-02-08T11:46:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we had our "big" ultrasound to look for all the pieces and parts and to find out if Baby H was the boy we thought or a girl. Yet another surprise! It's a GIRL!

I can't begin to write everything we learned about our precious little girl, but she is healthy! All parts measured just right and she weighs 8oz. She is still due on her original due date exactly of July 8.

Psalm 139:13-16 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

17 weeks

2011-01-29T17:30:00.003-05:00

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 17 Weeks

Size of baby: Baby Hendrix is 5 inches long and weighs 5 ounces

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Gained 4 lbs

Maternity Clothes: Jeans and tops

Gender: Waiting on February 7. I've dreamed 4 times that it was a boy.

Movement: Yes! Gentle little thumps at night or when I've been sitting for a while

Sleep: I have been trying to do the left side thing and neither John nor I is getting much sleep. Next question for the doc...

Do I really have to sleep on my left side? I'm a back sleeper and at this stage surely it's still allright if its still comfortable for me.

What I miss: Sleeping all night.

Cravings: Miss Vickie's Kettle Cooked Salt 'n Vinegar Chips

Symptoms: Pounding heart

Baby's Heartbeat

2011-01-24T17:50:00.000-05:00

A regular checkup today. Heartbeat 146.

16 weeks

2011-01-22T08:39:00.001-05:00

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 16 Weeks

Size of baby: Baby Hendrix is the size of an avocado

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Gained 3 lbs

Maternity Clothes: No pants yet except for the jeans. Bought several tops that are longer and cover up the waist band on my regular pants.

Gender: Waiting on February 7. I've dreamed 4 times that it was a boy.

Movement: None yet.

Sleep: Not so tired during the day anymore. Starting to get unfomfortable at night and just can't find the right position, and then when I do, I have to get up to use the bathroom.

What I miss: working out

Cravings: Miss Vickie's Kettle Cooked Salt 'n Vinegar Chips

Symptoms: Random cramps and pains, Heartburn

Pregnancy- Getting Real

2011-01-20T19:17:00.001-05:00

I was really scared of being pregnant. I longed for a baby of my own, but I honestly could not see myself pregnant. The thought of it really freaked me out. Our society puts so much emphasis on body image and I kept imagining all these horrible things that would happen to my body and worrying that it would never go back like it was. That remains to be seen, but so far nothing too freakish or horrible has happened. It truly is a natural part of a woman's life. We are designed to do this.

My growing belly has developed slowly so I have had time to get used to it. It's not squishy fat like I imagined, its actually firm. To avoid too much embarrassment for the readers, I'll just say the padded bra is not really needed anymore. Free plastic surgery for 9 months, I'll take it! I've had minor things like a stuffy nose, heartburn, headache, and frequent trips to the bathroom, but all in all nothing crazy yet. It is true that you feel better in the second trimester. I was so tired in the beginning that I cried thinking it would be like that for 9 months, but just like they say, it went away.

Another important thing to remember is that not everybody has every symptom that's mentioned in What to Expect When You're Expecting. If you glance through that book you really would think you were going to fall apart. I find it useful to only look up something when I'm experiencing it. You'll only worry yourself if you read what's supposed to or not supposed to be happening.

And the truly best advice of all is to call your doctor if you have a question about something. The internet is not a reliable source of information. I find that the doctor's office is much more helpful when you're pregnant. You could say any crazy thing and they would treat it very seriously. Sometimes when I wasn't pregnant, I felt like I was bothering them, but I don't feel that way now.

I've had a sinus infection and UTI and have taken an antibiotic for both. They say Tylenol is ok. I did ask about Halls and its a no because of the menthol. I'm trying to avoid nitrates as much as possible which are found in cured meats such as hotdogs, lunch meat, pepperoni, etc. Actually I'm avoiding lunch meat all together because of the chance of listeria. I will heat it up myself at home, but no Subway or Blimpie since I don't know where it has been.

This pregnancy obviously started out very stressful for us. We really weren't expecting much from Number 7. Yes, we prayed and clung to our faith in God, but humanly we didn't really expect a different result. Some may think that was a lack of faith, but it was just a self-protection mechanism for hurt and disappointment.

Now every day we feel more and more blessed by the presence of this baby. We are able to relax and confidently imagine our future. I think we still hold back a little when talking to other people because we're not used to sharing our joy and excitement for fear something could go wrong. In our private moments, John and I share our happiness and can't wait to bring this little one into our lives. John is so wonderful and supportive and is taking excellent care of us. He's going to be an awesome daddy.

Snowed in... Day 2

2011-01-11T12:29:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time I blogged about how excited I was for snow.

Once upon a time I posted this super cute picture of Duke and I waiting for the snow.

Today I post this picture.

I am no longer by his side. I do not want to look out the window.

Our beautiful snow turned to ice and we are trapped inside.

Florida here we come.

Snowy Anniversary

2011-01-10T07:50:00.000-05:00

What a wonderful way to spend our anniversary. We are snowed in. I am thankful though that it wasn't like this 7 years ago, but this is just really a beautiful way to spend the day. And this is our second snow this Winter. Did I mention we're going to Florida later this week? We've got to escape the cold for a little bit.

Eating for two

2011-01-03T19:48:00.002-05:00

We had our first "regular" doctor's appt today. I wasn't really sure what to expect, but thankfully no blood drawn. Just a few vitals. Blood pressure good: 112/68. Weight: 110. I weighed 111 lbs 5 weeks ago. The nurse didn't say anything, but I knew.

We got to hear the heartbeat before we saw the doctor. And we used our new Christmas present to video it. Thanks Mom and Dad. So please ignore the white, bruised belly and enjoy the sound of a itty bitty baby's heart beating away. The video cuts off, but the heart rate was 153.

Then we got to see the wonderful Dr. Shipley. Seriously we love him and are so grateful to all those that recommended him. He's a wise grandfather type and we feel very safe in his care. We know the Lord is in control of this situation, but we believe He provides people like Dr.Shipley to take care of us.

He said everything checked out, but he wants me to focus on my diet. It really was a funny conversation. I know I have lost one pound, but ask my family, I have been eating A LOT. I'm glad John was there to hear this or he would think I was making it up to excuse my eating. 2000 calories a day and 100g of protein. Meat, beans, cheese, soy, peanut butter, nutritional breakfast drinks...

At this point, 13 weeks, all the pieces and parts are there and now I'm just growing the baby. So he wants to make sure the baby is getting enough good stuff. He did mention me having a few more ultrasounds than normal along the way to make sure the baby is growing due to my MTHFR genetic issue. I think that's another reason he was concerned about my weight loss. Grow baby, grow.

Next appt Jan 24 and the big one is Feb 7 (you know, the boy or girl one).

White "After" Christmas

2010-12-27T21:08:00.000-05:00

I love snow!

Christmas was good. A wonderful Christmas Eve Service at Journey Baptist where I helped out on the piano.

Christmas Day was full of family quality time on both sides. I might have overdone it a little bit, and have enjoyed my snowy restful day today.

Thanks to the prayers for the headache, it has vamoosed. I have a little sore throat thing going on now, so no playing in the snow for me. Big Bummer. :( I did manage to sneak out for a picture or two.

12 weeks

2010-12-24T23:08:00.008-05:00

What a great Christmas present.

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 12 Weeks

Size of baby: Baby Hendrix is the size of a lime

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Gained 1 lb

Maternity Clothes: Bought my first pair of maternity jeans and they are the most comfortable item of clothing I have ever owned. We should wear these all the time.

Gender: Waiting on February 7

Movement: None yet

Sleep: I sleep all the time (even at work)

What I miss: Mello Yellow and Jillian Michaels Crossbar workout

Cravings: Mac n' Cheese

Symptoms: Tiredness, Headache, and a general feeling of uneasiness

Best Moment this week: Starting to show. It gives me confirmation that the baby's still in there

8 week ultrasound

2010-12-13T15:12:00.001-05:00

This is my 8 week ultrasound. Baby Hendrix was upside down, so I flipped the picture. It's amazing that you can see the head, brain (the dark spot in the head), and little arms. The heartbeat was a strong 175. John and I have never heard a heartbeat before, so this in itself was a miracle.

Now at ten weeks I feel great and I have to keep looking at this picture to remind myself that this baby is in there. I haven't gained any weight and my major craving is Macaroni n' Cheese.

Of course, I think about Mello Yello daily. My deep thought is "will there still be Mello Yello in July?" It's not the caffeine I want, just the taste of Mello Yello, so please Coca-Cola make me a caffeine free Mello Yello!

I have been drinking Ginger Ale because it's not water and it settles my stomach when I feel a little queasy in the morning. I made a fruit punch out of Ginger Ale and V8 Fusion juice. Very good! I also make decaf tea at home, but other than that its water. I don't really care for Sprite or Sierra Mist. Did you know some brands of Root Bear are caffeine free? But, I can't really drink that every day.

My only major symptom now is tiredness. I seem to get tired more easily and am ready to fall asleep by 8pm. And with this insanely cold weather we are having, there really is nothing to do except take a hot shower and curl up in bed. I would like to read or something, but I just fall asleep. Are we still in South Carolina?

I have my prenatal vitamins now which thankfully have Metafolin in them, so I don't have to get that from The Vitamin Shoppe anymore. Also, I'm still taking a 81mg aspirin every day and the lovely 40mg Lovenox injection once a day. Every time I get the Lovenox from CVS I think to myself "It's a Lovenox baby." The pharmacist actually sized me up last time trying to tell if I was indeed pregnant. I've been getting the Lovenox filled for a while through the miscarriages and such so she probably wonders what in the world I am doing.

Also, I'm on their radar because it's not something they carry and it has to be ordered and it's a big deal, so today I asked if she could please put me on auto-refill, so it would be ordered a week before I need it. I'll see how that works out. The price of Lovenox blows my mind. Supposedly it is over $1,000 and with my insurance I was paying $30.00. Last time I got it filled it was $50.00. I guess the frequent users such as myself have caused them to change what they will cover. But really, $1,000 for 30 pre-filled syringes...

We're expecting...

2010-12-12T19:03:00.001-05:00

Baby Hendrix

July 8, 2011

Our Christmas Miracle

30 years old

2010-10-28T19:37:00.003-04:00

It has come and gone. I am still here. I really thought that turning 30 would send me into depression. Not because I would be "old." I actually feel better and have more confidence than I did 10 years ago. I feel like a mature, confident woman that can be sophisticated and sexy at the same time. I don't have anything to prove to anyone. I can be me. I digress...

I thought I would be depressed because of the sudden reality that my plans were not going as planned. I should have two children. 27, 30, 33 Those are the ages I was supposed to have my three children. I waited all day yesterday for a panic attack. It didn't happen.

Maybe those days have passed. No more tears and panic attacks. Awesome.

I really feel like now is the time for John and I just to relax and have fun. We are not in control. 4 years and 6 miscarriages later, there is nothing more I can do. God is probably saying "Hallelujah, it's about time." I feel free. Freedom from expectations.

And I leave you with some birthday pictures:

My cube was all decorated with balloons and streamers. And I had a special 30 necklace to wear.

Pretending to blow out candles on my peanut butter pie.

My coastie came straight home for my mini-party.

My mom and dad.

John's family.

We were actually celebrating John's birthday too since he was gone on his birthday. My mom made an HUGE cheesecake since that's our favorite. And Mom and Dad gave me a beautiful nativity because I have been wanting a new one. Can't wait to put it out at Christmas. My mom also gave me poster size prints of John and I when were the same age. The pictures are precious. We are wearing the same color and there's wood paneling in the background. LOL I can just imagine what our children would look like. I won't tell you that these photos were supposed to be out at our wedding reception, but didn't arrive in time. They were perfect for this occasion!

Oh Duke...

2010-10-22T20:58:00.004-04:00

The fur-baby does not feel good. My sweet boy did it again. Last year while John was gone we had to call on our favorite vet for a broken toenail.

Sleeping in the garage.

Stop taking my picture!

And yesterday, Duke somehow managed to lose an entire nail. I went to take him for a walk and he cried out when I touched his foot to put his harness on. It looked so bad! Dr.Warf had given me his home and cell phone numbers and I really wanted to use them. Isn't that silly. So Dr.Warf said to just let him rest and bring him in the morning.

I sat around with him for a little while and loved on him because he felt so bad and I kept him from licking it.

This morning we took the trip. Duke willingly hopped in the car, but wasn't sure where he was going.

Hey, where are we going?

Ok, now I'm worried.

When we got there he wouldn't get out of the car. He's never done that before. He was having flashbacks.

They were expecting us so everything was all laid out.

Duke was weighed (73lbs) and had his temperature taken (100.6) which is normal. He got a shot of antibiotics. Then the horrible time came and I excused myself. I paced around and called John to give him an update. Then I sat on the steps and watched traffic in the cool fall morning air.

It's really bad...

This is my queasy, concerned face.

15 minutes later Dr.W came to get me and the first thing I noticed was the blood splatterd on his shirt. Duke apparently bled A LOT, but they were able to get it stopped using silver nitrate.

Look at that good boy!

I sat with him for a few minutes and he got some treats (with medicine inside).

We made our way home and after work I gave him a bath and he's been sleeping for about 2 hours.

What a day.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

2010-10-15T20:16:00.000-04:00

Another year has gone by. See my post from last year. I have added two candles since last year, but wasn't four enough?

This year I have a different perspective. I have been following Team Ewan, a site that will absolutely tear your heart out. A mother and father brought a beautiful baby into this world and then two weeks later held him as he passed away. God is good. That's what she wrote. In the midst of it all she said, "God is good."

She writes:

"God is good.
Typically, this is what is said when there is a job promotion. When the cancer is gone. When a healthy child is born without any complications. When the sun is shining, when we got the new house, when we are propping our feet up in the eighty-degree sunshine with an iced tea in our hand. When the kids are doing well, when our bank accounts are full, and when the world is kind to us.... The things Ewan taught me will be unfolding for the rest of my life, and this is a big one. If we believe God is good only when we have a reason to smile at what life brings us, then we haven't embraced the gospel fully enough. The Christian faith is one of carrying the cross, of rejoicing in the midst of suffering. It's not a message of prosperity, where the "good news" is that Jesus will give you whatever you want if you pray the right prayer, have enough faith, and assent to a particular list of bullet points....I don't claim to be able to explain how or why any of this happened -- and it's not as if the fact that it happened makes me happy. Far from it. It is not something anyone can be trite about, and it is not something that can be easily dismissed or explained.... But I do know that God is good -- and that even out of horrible things, He makes good things happen. I also know that I don't know everything. I can acknowledge that because of Ewan's story, all sorts of good things may be happening that I will never find out about...."

I for one am a good thing. My miscarriages are a very serious thing for me, but to be given a baby in your arms and then to watch him die is way more than I can grasp. She is a reality check for me.

God is good. All the time.

Hail Storm

2010-10-14T19:18:00.001-04:00

and I don't mean figuratively. What the "hail" just happened? That's what we were thinking. I have never experienced anything like it.

I made a decision when I got home to park in the driveway so that John could work in the garage. Then it started raining. Then I heard "the tone" in John's voice. I've only heard it twice before. He said "we've got to get..." and I thought he meant it was a tornado and we had to take cover. He actually meant we had to get the cars into the garage because it was hailing. We were attacked, pelted, and in shock at what was happening. John just spent so much time cleaning out the garage preparing it to be an exercise area and he had to throw his weight bench against the wall and pull his truck in the best he could. The hail was flying all the way into the garage. We worked together like always. I didn't know whether to leave Duke or not. I knew he was sheltered, but I wanted him inside with us. He was so excited because he thought it was snowing.

It's tough being a woman

2010-09-28T23:37:00.000-04:00

Thankfully, last week my mom encouraged me to attend a Beth Moore Bible study with her on the book of Esther. The subtitle is: It's tough being a woman.

It's tough being a woman when someone asks if you get the student discount.

It's tough being a woman when a child at church says you're like Ms. Candace, but a lot younger. (Ms. Candace is probably my age if not younger)

It's tough being a woman when you have your babies named.

It's tough being a woman when you have the song picked out for the baby's first slide show.

It's tough being a woman when your body doesn't do what a woman's body is supposed to.

It's tough being a woman when most women are concerned about not measuring up as a mom, and I'm just concerned I will never be a mom.

It's tough being a woman when there are such things as UTI's.

It's tough being a woman when there is absolutely no way you could be pregnant, but you still have to fight the urge to burn rubber to the nearest CVS to get yet another test because you want to believe that your PMS symptoms are pregnancy symptoms.

It's tough being a woman when you knowingly took two different antibiotics, multiple pain relievers, and mello yellow because you really believed if you did everything wrong you would get your miracle baby.

It's tough being a woman when you post a desperate blog advertising that you want a baby and then actually believe the next time the phone rings that someone has heard your desperate plea and a baby landed on their doorstep.

From Beth Moore's study:
"When we trust our lives to the hand and pen of an unseen but ever-present God, He will write our lives into His story and every last one of them will turn out to be a great read. With a grand ending. And not just in spite of those catastrophes. Often because of them."

Thanks for "making" me do the Bible Study mom. :)

I sat down to write this post tonight and almost didn't do it, but at the same time a friend and fellow Bible study-er was reading my blog and I was moved to go ahead and write it. This one's for you Tonya!

Private Adoption- We need your help

2010-09-13T21:47:00.002-04:00

I'm just going to say it.

John and I want a baby!

Will you help us?

I have heard several stories of people getting babies through their doctor, their lawyer, family, and friends. Word of mouth seems to be the key, so please keep us in mind. Help us spread the word.

Things in our household seem to be a little more urgent now. We attended the first day of DSS Training which was demoralizing, we watched Juno for the first time, my 30th birthday is approaching, and there are headlines like these:

Is the fertility time bomb really ticking? According to new research, by the age of 30, a woman's chances of conceiving have dwindled dramatically
Mother's joy at baby daughter after 18 miscarriages
Don’t Panic! Women Can Conceive Over 30
5 Things Every Woman Should Know About Getting Pregnant After 30

Seriously...

Metanx and Folast

2010-08-25T19:14:00.002-04:00

In January of this year I wrote several posts on the drug Metanx and Folast. I am overwhelmed by the number of visitors I still have on a daily basis who Google Metanx and reach my blog. There have also been numerous comments and e-mails.

Instead of showing everything again, I'll just link to it.

My first post when I found out about Folast. This is the one with the comments from a pharmaceutical rep for PamLab that started my inquiry. Click here

PamLab's official response to Folast being substituted for Metanx. PamLab is the maker of Metanx. This is the post with all the comments Click here

My response from CVS when I asked about Folast: Click here

I was recently contacted by PamLab and Folast is still on the market, but it it no longer "linked" as a generic to Metanx. The final ruling in the court case is still pending.

And finally, Steve Sternberg posted this comment, so if you would like to contact him here's the info..
.
I write for USA TODAY. I'm working on a story about Metanx vs Folast or Neuropath-b. I'd like to hear from people whose doctors have expressed a preference about one compound or the other. Many thanks. I can be reached at ssternberg@usatoday.com

Surprise

2010-08-11T19:59:00.000-04:00

Someone has been looking for me in Louisiana.

And that someone is coming home tomorrow!

John has been deployed with the Coast Guard to Louisiana for the oil spill and he was scheduled to come home Monday, but today when I got home from work I found these:

What a wonderful surprise!

Update

2010-08-05T19:17:00.001-04:00

John and I have decided not to pursue adoption with Bethany Christian Services. There were a lot of things that we just didn't feel good about. If you are considering them and would like to know more details please e-mail me and I'll be glad to share. I know a lot of people have used them and had very positive results, but we do not feel that it is for us.

We will be pursuing adoption through DSS and are scheduled to attend the required classes in September. It is still so unsettling that we have to go to classes and lay out all of our personal and financial information in order to be good stewards and save a baby/child from a bad situation. I know the State of South Carolina has to ensure the well-being of the child, but it is still personally demoralizing.

My pastor was preaching Sunday and was talking about God's blessing to "be fruitful and multiply." It says plainly that he blessed them and told them to multiply and fill the earth. Seriously, what does this mean to couples like us. Very literally, it sounds as if we are not blessed. Of course I don't really believe that. So if God has decided that it is better for us not to be pregnant, then I have to assume that it is for our well being.

It's just that everyday is a reminder of our situation and my heart always skips a beat when the subject of pregnancy and babies comes up in conversation. I'm sitting there thinking. Ok please don't look at me. Don't wait for me to contribute. Don't ask. Don't make any silly/ stupid comments about my lack of children. Don't assume that we just don't want to have any. Just please move on to another subject.

Today at work I went into the bathroom and there were two people waiting but they were talking. So one, who happens to be pregnant, told me to go ahead. And the other says, "you're going to go before the pregnant girl." I clarified with a laugh that she did indeed tell me to go ahead. Then I went in my stall and replied back (in my head) "Yes, because I am not pregnant and I'm having my monthly reminder that I am not pregnant and I'm not going to wait on the pregnant girl like she needs to go any more than I do." Seriously, I had a mini-meltdown in there by myself.

It's been that kind of week. But I did receive an encouraging message from a blog reader today and it put everything back into perspective.

Another Orientation

2010-07-09T20:41:00.001-04:00

John and I attended the Bethany Christian Services adoption orientation today. After two orientations in one week, we are definitely on information overload. We have a lot to talk about, think about, and pray about.

DSS Adoption Orientation

2010-07-06T22:29:00.001-04:00

John and I attended the DSS Adoption orientation tonight. Overall a good experience. The application/approval process is not too difficult and shouldn't take but a couple of months to complete if everything goes as planned. The scary thing is there were 22 people there and they do this orientation twice a month. At the end of the fiscal year they had 93 approved families and 27 adoptive placements for the year. Our next step is to attend their 14 hours of mandatory training.

As a side note, my sweet husband passed me a note about 30 minutes into the meeting that said "Let's try again." My response... "OK"

Adoption...

2010-06-19T16:48:00.001-04:00

The unfairness of this whole situation continues and the reality is here.

We have spent 4 years trying to have a baby because there was always hope. We had hope so we tried again. We had new medical things to try, so we tried again. We wanted a miracle, so we tried again.

I have stayed at my job because of the amount of leave I have built up. We moved to a bigger house to make room for all those babies. Every decision we have made in the last 4 years has been contingent upon having a baby. No, we can't plan that cruise for next year because I will be pregnant. No, we can't plan to get a cabin with the family for Christmas because I will have a newborn. No, I can't ride roller coasters at Carowinds because I'm pregnant. What if I'm pregnant when we go to Disney World? Not to mention the day to day, month to month stuff for 4 years of not taking certain medicines, taking aspirin everyday, taking my super vitamins everyday, not drinking caffeine, not using sunless tanning lotion and a myriad of other products, not this and not that... for 4 years it has consumed my every thought.

And no, you can't just relax and not think about it. Anyone who says that has not been there. I can't down all these prescription drugs and drink caffeine, etc and then turn up pregnant and wonder for 9 months what damage I might have done. I can't not take my aspirin and vitamins and not have the blood thinner on hand and accidentally get pregnant. The difference in my situation is that I can get pregnant. I have been pregnant 6 times, so it is a reality that I could be pregnant unlike a couple that has never gotten pregnant.

So, What to Expect When You're Expecting as been thrown out and I'm reading What to Expect When You're Experiencing Infertility. Good book. One of the issues it covers is birth control. Crazy as it sounds, it suggests using birth control so that you can let go and move on without it being a constant issue every month. I totally get that because it is so hard to deal with this once a month. But how am I supposed to let God perform a miracle if I take it back in my own hands? See that advice seemed helpful, but it wasn't.

Now, John and I are pursuing adoption. The reality has set in that this is how it is going to be. We are going to have to apply, wait, be approved, wait, pay money, wait, wait, wait for a baby. Yes it will be worth it in the end, but we've already been waiting for 4 years. So the thought of waiting 2 more years is overwhelming, I don't usually vent and ramble on my blog, but this is where I am right now.

Now where's my Prilosec and my Mello Yellow...

Almost Divine Intervention

2010-06-03T21:44:00.000-04:00

I almost had a testimony of divine intervention. Up until 2 days ago I thought I was pregnant.... again. It's been almost 6 weeks since my miscarriage and I was starting to wonder when things would start up again. Then I started having pregnancy symptoms, and I thought what are the odds. So I took a home test and was shocked, bewildered, excited to get a positive result. I had already told several people that it would be divine intervention if I got pregnant again (because I wasn't going to be "trying"). So I looked up and said Lord you're making an example out of me. Divine intervention indeed. I really didn't know whether to laugh
or cry, but I made a pact with God to ask for prayer from the beginning if I ever got pregnant again so John and I went to church and told the pastor and his wife on Sunday.

Monday I went to my parent's for Memorial Day. John was working. We were eating and I said "I have a story." Oh good my mom said. Is it funny? Maybe I said. You may want to laugh or you might want to cry. My mom said "You're Pregnant!" as she laughed. I said "I AM pregnant!" The looks on both their faces were priceless. It was the first time I have ever been able to surprise them and we were all so happy. I told them it was divine intervention. John and I turned in our application to Bethany Christian Services and now I was going to have a miracle baby.

Tuesday I went to the doctor and got a blood test for progesterone and HCG. Ironic because I usually can't get an HCG because the doctor doesn't believe in it. He says that it is often inaccurate and doesn't tell the whole story. Well maybe so, but with my history it can really tell a lot. So I waited and waited for them to call and finally Wednesday afternoon at 4pm I called them. My progesterone was 4 and my HCG was 15 which basically equals "not good." So she said she didn't think this could be a new pregnancy, so it must just be some residual from the miscarriage and the Dr. said I should come back in 3 weeks and have it tested again. Well I was there 5 weeks ago and my HCG was 2. It went back up? The nurse said if it would make me feel better I could come back next week and have it tested again. Gee thanks. I wasn't overly impressed with their concern.

I honestly believe I was pregnant again. I know my body and I've been through this so many times before.

I really got my hopes up this time. I thought this was it. My miracle baby, my faith baby, my testimony to the world.

We submitted our pre-app to Bethany last week and got a letter back that "apparently you are qualified to be an applicant." Thanks for the warm fuzzies. Now we are required to go to an information meeting. Next one held July 9.

I Get to Come Home to You

2010-05-17T18:54:00.005-04:00

Does anybody remember the old John Michael Montgomery song, Home to You? Thanks to Sirius radio and Prime Country I was reminded of it.

Lyrics:
I get up and battle the day
Things don't always go my way
It might rain but that's okay
I get to come home to you

Sometimes life may get me down
And I get tired of getting kicked around
I feel lost in this maddening crowd
But I get to come home to you

You are my best friend
And you are where my heart is
And I know at the day's end
I get to come home to you

Hanging out in our old sweatshirts
You let me complain about a hard day's work
I don't know what I did to deserve
To get to come home to you

I am not always good at expressing myself, and thankfully there are songs that do it for me. Given our circumstances, songs like this mean so much more to us probably then the average couple. John is all I have. He truly is my best friend. Most importantly, he is my family. He and I are our family (and of course Duke). We have been through some hard, sad times and through it all I just want him more. This is ours to share. Our pain, our sadness, our grief, our hopelessness. I probably seem annoyingly clingy at times, but I need him next to me. I can't get close enough. Lying in bed at night I just reach over and touch him just to be comforted by his presence. Whenever we're together I feel like we have this massive secret that we share from the rest of the world. Only he and I know the private moments surrounding our struggle and this brings us closer together. We have laughed, we have cried, we have done both at the same time. I have wondered at times if I even knew this man I was married to, and I'm sure he has looked at me with the same thoughts. I have had some moments that I wish I could take back. I have acted in ways I can't explain and ruined perfectly good days (and nights) by becoming overwhelmed with panic and grief and sadness. I can see how it could tear some couples apart, but we are drawn closer. We have grown and learned and now have more respect for each other and our feelings than we ever have.

John and I had our 5th miscarriage last month. I cried once and haven't cried since. It was an ending to a 4 year journey. We knew that this would be life changing either way. A baby or a last chance.

Now we start a new journey. One that we can't control, not that we could before. This will take even more faith to wait for someone else to bless us with her baby.

Tradition

2010-05-11T19:09:00.002-04:00

I am not sure how long it takes to make a tradition, but it is now a tradition that my mom and I go to Hilton Head for Mother's Day weekend. Also, thanks to the State of South Carolina of South Carolina for coordinating the Confederate Memorial Day holiday with Mother's Day weekend for that extra day off. The weather was nice this year although too cool to really put our feet in the water and too windy to walk, but it was sunny and dry. Last year was "brrrr" cold, cloudy, and very windy. If you're ever down that way I highly recommend the Main St. Cafe and their tuna croissant ( I could eat it every day) and their fried green tomatoes. Seriously, I would drive the 3 hours just for the fried green tomatoes!

2009

2010

We got matching outfits this year. Maybe that can be a tradition too. Watcha think mom?

It would be even sweeter to add a little matching one to the photo next year. More to come about that...

Bark Collar

2010-05-04T20:01:00.005-04:00

I just saw this commerical for the first time last week. I watched it over and over and laughed and laughed because we put a bark collar on the Fire Dog at night.

This morning the Fire Dog did not have his collar on when I went to take it off of him. I told Chief I was going out to look for it and he said to watch out. For real, I did look behind me a couple times to see where the dog was. LOL!

Oh my sesamoid

2010-04-24T20:23:00.000-04:00

I haven't blogged in over a month, so I thought I better post something.

I fractured my sesamoid bone, so I get to wear this lovely shoe for 4 weeks. I didn't have my foot x-rayed because there is always a chance I could be pregnant, but the very experienced doc was very sure that I fractured that little bone. It has stopped hurting since I started wearing this, so it must be healing...

Sadie & Me

2010-03-17T09:32:00.002-04:00

"Marley and Me" you don't have anything on "Sadie and Me."

Chief and I took Sadie to the vet Friday afternoon and learned that she is around 9 years old. Maybe 7 if she just had a really hard life. She had advanced heartworm disease and her belly was distended. The vet didn't like the looks of her belly and thought maybe it was already the effects of the heartworm disease and fluid was accumulating. He went ahead and gave her all her shots because she was around the Fire Dog and he didn't want to risk getting him sick. She weighed 70 pounds which was amazing given how skinny she is. He said it would be ok to keep her and just let her lay around. He didn't suggest any exercise b/c of the heartworms. He wanted to see her back in 3 weeks just to see how she was doing after being well taken care of. So, $163 later we left the vet with an old, sick, vaccinated, sweet dog with full intentions of letting her live her last days with us.

We came home and let her lay around the house while we got ready to go to a friend's house for dinner. We put both dogs outside the back door and went to the garage. It was storming at this point; lightning, thunder, rain, etc. I was waiting on Chief to back the truck out and there came two naughty dogs from the front of the house. Chief went to see how they got out of the fence and I was looking out the window. It was a really scary scene. It was dark and raining and there was lightning in the background, and I saw Chief raise up his hands and yell into the air. Sadie had bent the latch on the fence open with her mouth. Chief couldn't even push it back together with his hands. Now we know why her teeth are all broken.

Chief angrily put both dogs in the house and said lets go. No, I didn't think it was good to leave them in the house. Who knows what would get destroyed. So we left Sadie in the garage. We were gone for three hours and came back to a bleeding dog with a broken toenail from trying to bite/claw her way into the house. Luckily we have a steel door so she couldn't mess it up except for the weather stripping. She bit the doorknob and left a huge indention in it. I'm sure if it had been unlocked she would have been in the house. We had a large, old bathroom mirror propped up and she knocked it over and it shattered all over my car leaving several deep scratches. Then apparently she decided to do a little tap dance on my car and there are scratches from her nails all over it, literally, all over it. It was really bad. The whole situation was really bad. The gates on the fence were almost destroyed including the chain link that she pulled apart, the latch, and the whole frame was bent. Who cares about the mirror, but my car...

Our friends sent us home with their extra large crate and we used it Friday night in the bedroom. She slept so peacefully with her heavy breathing. She just needs to be near people.

Saturday morning I called PETS Inc again and desperately begged them to take her and they wouldn't. So we knew that we couldn't keep this dog that could never be alone. I cried all morning and finally asked Chief to take her to the pound. He said ok, but didn't do it immediately. About 30 minutes later I went to him and said we have to take her now. I just needed to get the inevitable over with. So we loaded her up and she willingly went off to the pound completely clueless. I know what will happen to her. Reality sucks.

I'm not ready to laugh about this one yet, but I know we all will one day. For now, my dear parents have promised not to tell me if there's a stray dog at their house.

Sadie Girl, Oh Sadie Girl

2010-03-12T23:50:00.001-05:00

It's been a long day. More to come later, but for now... a letter.

To Sadie's former owners:

We understand.

Sincerely,
Mr. and Mrs. Chief

Sadie Girl

2010-03-11T12:59:00.001-05:00

She's not lost anymore.

Tuesday night Chief and I ventured out to my parents house so that Chief could meet "the dog." She was a little cautious at first, but my dad called her over to his truck and showed us how she knew how to jump in. My dad even confessed to driving her up and down the driveway a couple times because she wouldn't get out until he did.

She approached Chief cautiously and even snapped at him one time, but then something changed. Chief just had a way with her. We soon found out that she was very smart and knew how to sit, lay down, shake, and even speak (she has a large bark).

So after little discussion. She was on her way with us with a new name. Sadie. She doesn't really respond to it yet, so we add Girl at the end which tends to get a little more response. Sadie Girl.

So far she has adjusted well. Did I mention she's very smart. She used her mouth to pull up the latch on the fence gate and after opening it several times Chief has it rigged so that she cannot get out. Apparently Tuesday night she and the Fire Dog had free reign to the world, but they both were there in the morning. I wonder what kind of adventure they had. We have to separate them for feedings of course and we let my spoiled baby come in to sleep at night. Sadie Girl is utilizing the dog house that the Fire Dog has always refused to get in. She went right in and went to sleep. I think she may have a good home at some point. Somebody obviously spent time training her.

Just a warning that the next picture is horrible. She doesn't look it in most pictures, but she is very malnourished. This is a pic I took the first time I saw her. We are feeding her white rice and puppy food several times a day to put on the weight. I don't know how long she's been lost, but I can only hope that she wasn't living like this with her former owner.

We'll be taking her to our favorite, local vet tomorrow to see how her general health is and get some answers to her weight, age, etc and whether or not she has a microchip. It is possible that she was microchipped if she has ever been the ward of a shelter.

And a special thanks to my mom and dad for the care they provided her during the first few days of her new life. Welcome to your new dog life, Sadie Girl.

Lost and Found

2010-03-08T22:04:00.001-05:00

Saturday night my parents had a visitor at their house. A sweet dog decided to come visit for a little while and take a nap on their porch. I convinced them to feed her and I even took them some dog food. She wasn't there when I went by Sunday, but she was there today when I went by on my way home from work. For some reason she chose my parents. They didn't choose to save her, she chose to be saved by them. She came off the porch and barked at me when I drove up like it was her house. She needs a little TLC and I am hoping I can find the right person to give it to her. Chief and I will be caring for her temporarily (and we all know how that goes!) I better go ahead and come up with a name for her.
*Mom is allergic to dogs so they can't keep her around.

This is me on the phone with Chief telling him all about her.

Seriously, if you would be interested in a Boxer mix that needs a little TLC, please contact me. I have already put her on the waiting list for Pets Inc, but I would like to find something for her if I can. She's older by the looks of her teeth and seems very laid back. She's very skinny, but just needs a little extra food to get her back to normal.

I have been trying to live a Purpose Driven Life and be a public servant like my wonderful husband. So going out of my way to save a dog is just one part of that. You may remember my post last year about Making a Difference One Dog at a Time. I have also been volunteering as a Guardian ad Litem for about 5 months. Just food for thought. What is your purpose in life? What are you doing to give back to your community? What is God calling you to do?

Metanx website

2010-03-05T11:17:00.004-05:00

The Metanx website now has the following statement about the generic Folast.

http://www.metanx.com/Folast

Drinking a Mello Yello

2010-02-21T18:47:00.001-05:00

It's been a hard week. I was absolutely sure I was pregnant.

As usual, I abstained from caffeine, junk food, medicine of any kind, and basically anything else that makes daily life bearable. I waited, then began to spot which I was sure was implantation bleeding. I went ahead and did my Lovenox injections leaving ugly bruises on my stomach. I spotted for 5 days and then the inevitable. Knowing my body and the way I felt, I think something was trying to happen, but it just couldn't hang on. Along the way I took four pregnancy tests. A little neurotic even for me. The funny part was finding a 5 day old used pregnancy test in my purse this morning when I was cleaning it out to go to church. (Couldn't risk someone seeing me throw it in the trash at work)

So, I am drinking a Mello Yello and on a more hopeful note, the Chief and I requested an information packet from Bethany Christian Services.

It's a Marshmellow World

2010-02-12T18:59:00.003-05:00

Waiting on the Snow.... Again!

2010-02-12T09:10:00.001-05:00

This time it is really going to happen. We have been promised SNOW by our local weather men.

Check out my mom's blog for a neat science experiment to try with your snow.

Simple Things

2010-01-26T12:36:00.001-05:00

It's the simple things that make the best memories. See Monday Morning Visitors...

Disney World!

2010-01-20T21:49:00.001-05:00

Question: What are you going to do now that you've been married for 6 years and been through many ups and downs, good times and bad times, new jobs, new houses, the loss of dear family members, the loss of a best friend, and more?

Answer: We're going to Disney World!

Metanx vs. Folast #2

2010-01-15T19:21:00.005-05:00

So, I went to see my CVS pharamcist today. She's really nice and took my concern seriously and even pulled both pill bottles for me to look at. The Folast and Metanx pill bottles list the exact same ingredients in exactly the same quantities. She assured me that they are indeed exactly the same. She also said I could go back to Metanx if I would feel better about it. I left feeling really good, like this whole thing has been needless worry.

In my research this week I also e-mailed the corporate CVS pharmacist incase I didn't get in to talk to my local pharamcist. This is the response I got:

Below is CVS's statement regarding generics :

CVS/pharmacy only provides products that are approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA), so any product you receive at our pharmacies will match the standards upheld by the FDA.
A generic drug is a low-priced option to a more costly brand-name equivalent. To gain FDA approval, the generic drug must prove that it is exactly like its brand-name counterpart in safety, performance (how it works in the body), strength (e.g., 10 mg, 20 mg) and dosage form (e.g., tablet, liquid, cream, etc.). The generic drug may be a different color or shape than the brand-name equivalent. Even though a generic drug is the same in its chemical makeup as a brand-name drug, it costs much less since the makers of generic drugs do not have to spend the same amount of money on research and development as the makers of the brand-name drugs.
That being said, Metanx is considered a medical food product. Medical food products look just like Rx meds...many say "Rx-only" on the label, and have NDCs, package inserts, etc. But medical foods are actually very different than Rx and OTC drugs...since they're NOT FDA-approved products. Medical foods are supposed to meet unique nutritional needs due to a specific disease that can't be met by ordinary foods. They often have vitamins, minerals, or plant extracts like supplements. The difference is that medical foods CAN claim to treat a disease, such as saying Limbrel is for osteoarthritis...but supplements can't.

Medical food manufacturers are on the "honor system" to ensure their products are safe and their claims for efficacy are accurate.

Therefore, the manufacturer for Folast is not held under the same FDA guidelines in manufacturing a generic. I left a message for the company that produces Folast and have not heard a response. Brookstone Pharmaceuticals is currently under new ownership, Acella Pharmaceuticals and their number is 1-800-541-4802.

So, I felt good. Now I'm back to UGH! Metanx is a medical food and is not FDA approved and neither is Folast. The pharmacist stated that they are on the "honor system." Wow, the honor system...

Metanx vs. Folast

2010-01-11T19:17:00.002-05:00

In my quest to find the truth about Folast, I e-mailed Brookstone Pharmaceuticals and PamLab. I received a response from PamLab the maker of Metanx. Here is the response I got:

Thank you for contacting Pamlab. Here is Pamlab’s response to what we have discovered is not the same formulation as Metanx:

“Recently, Pamlab learned that Brookstone Pharmaceuticals (which recently changed its name to Acella Pharmaceuticals) launched a competitor to Metanx with the NDC number 42192-0311-90. Brookstone labeled this product as containing the identical active ingredients in identical strengths as Metanx. Pamlab believes Brookstone’s representations are intended to convince the pharmaceutical trade in general, and Pamlab’s customers specifically, that the Brookstone product is a generically equivalent substitute for Metanx.

Laboratory testing clearly demonstrates the Brookstone product does not contain the same active ingredients in same strengths as Metanx. Instead of L-methylfolate[6(S)-5 MTHF], the Brookstone product contains a racemic methylfolate mixture of both the L (active) and D (inactive) forms of methylfolate in an amount that is more than twice the amount of L-methylfolate contained in Metanx. The same testing also shows that the Brookstone product contains less than two-thirds of the amount of pyridoxal 5’-phosphate that is contained in Metanx. Pamlab believes that Brookstone’s representation are false and misleading.” We have filed a suit against Brookstone for false advertising.

So what the response says is that it does contain the same ingredients just not the same amounts, therefore saying it is the same as Metanx is false advertising, but is it harmful or not beneficial? Is this just a case of the pharmaceutical company protecting their brand name product?

Happy Anniversary! 6 years!

2010-01-10T07:51:00.000-05:00

Generic Metanx update

2010-01-09T12:54:00.000-05:00

Why does everything have to be so complicated. I posted last week that I was excited that there was a generic available of a prescription that I take. Unexpectedly I received a comment about my post. I am sure that the commenter did not know that I can't be provided with that kind of information and not follow-up on it. In fact it will bother me, make me spend hours researching. However, if there is something that I need to know then maybe I can do it for everyone who takes this drug.

The anonymous commenter stated that he works as a pharamceutical rep for Pamlab which sells Metanx and that Folast the generic being sold by Brookstone pharmaceuticals does not contain the same ingredients as Metanx.

"...just read through the Legal documents Pamlab has filed in Federal court in which Brookstone admits that there product was mis-labeled and it does only contain the recemic mixture of D-Methylfolate.... They are just a fly by night operation trying to make a quick buck and go bankrupt when the lawsuits pile up. Pamlab along with Merck developed Metanx and spent millions stabilizing the product to an FDA Pharmaceutical grade product and has the studies to show it works. Why pay almost as much and not get the relief you need. All Brookstone did was mislabel the product to get by the system and look like it is an equivalent when in the preliminary hearing took place last week in court they agreed that their product was not the same as Metanx and to answer your question, their stock bottle the pharmacists gets it clearly says that this product is not equivalent to any other product or Metanx"

What to do? Shouldn't I and any other consumer be able to trust our pharmacy and pharmacist? Am I really supposed to go into CVS and question the pharmacist based on some info provided anonymously via the internet?

Waiting on the Snow Part 2

2010-01-07T19:26:00.000-05:00

We're Ready!

(even though the forecasters have taken back their pitiful little snow forecast)

Waiting on the Snow

2010-01-06T17:20:00.001-05:00

I'm waiting on the snow again. You may remember this post from earlier in the year where I posted the cutest picture ever of the Fire Dog and I waiting on the snow.

There is a chance of snow showers Thursday night. It has been extremely cold this week and I think most of us are ready for some warmer days, but I would love to see snow. I am the biggest kid when it comes to snow.

Our local TV stations have been mentioning the possibililty of snow, but now The Weather Channel is playing along with the snow forecast.

How many times can I use the word snow in this post...

SNOW, SNOW, SNOW!

Sharing doesn't help

2009-12-26T22:36:00.002-05:00

Chief and I, and the rest of my family for that matter, have taken a new approach to our "issue." Just tell people. Just throw it out there. Do you have kids… no, we've had four miscarriages. We have been through a lot, like what?.... 4 miscarriages. Are you planning to have kids soon... well, actually we've had 4 miscarriages.

My conclusion so far is that it doesn't help. It doesn't change anything. People still don't think of anything appropriate to say. I thought we were protecting them from embarrassing themselves, but not really. I understand though. I can't always think of the right thing to say on the spot, but still...

After announcing that we had been through 4 miscarriages at a work Christmas dinner, the girl sitting across from us proceeded to tell how all of her friends were pregnant and she kept getting texts telling who was pregnant now and she definitely doesn't want to be drinking that water.

Another mother proceeded to say in an exasperated tone how tired she was from chasing her two year old around 24/7. At least I got the deer in the headlights look on that one and she tried to back up. But I wouldn't trade it for anything she said.

After sharing with the guy that came to fix my computer at work he said don't worry you'll get one. My response... that's what they say.

I didn't feel any better. Awkwardness still ensued. I have no intention of going into all the details of the last 3 years with anyone in a social situation, so why even put the subject out there.

Generic Metanx

2009-12-23T20:38:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas Metanx takers. There is now a generic available. The real cost was $41 per month and I was using the manufacturer's coupon to get it for $32, and now there is a generic that is $18. Thankfully I have a wonderful CVS pharmacist that is on top of things.

Metanx is the prescription vitamin I have to take for my blood and genetic issues. I really need to take it forever, but most definitely before and during pregnancy.

Just wanted to post in case someone else is taking it. Ask your pharmacist for generic.

Right back where I was

2009-12-08T18:43:00.017-05:00

Updated:

It has been almost a year since I wrote this.

It is really (for the lack of a better word) disappointing to realize that I am still where I was one year ago. I feel like nothing much has changed in the past year. No progress has been made. I'm just another year older.

Then I try to remember how I felt the day I wrote this.

I guess I have made some progress. I couldn't have said that I had peace that passeth all understanding a year ago.

I think some of my fighting spirit is gone though. Each of the other times, I was ready immediately try again. And we did as soon as we were able. But the last time I thought I can't do this again. Not mentally so much, as physically. I just felt like it took forever to recover. I thought "I'm getting too old for this." I know that's a hysterical comment to everyone that is older than me, but still that's how I felt.
Maybe our bodies know when they have had enough. I haven't gotten pregnant in a year. We haven't really tried, but we haven't not tried either. We've just left it up to God. I'm beginning to think my body has said that's enough.

Sunday the Chief and I went to his Granna and Granddaddy's and put up a Christmas tree for them. They haven't had one in years, and they were so excited. It turned out really beautiful, and I didn't have my camera with me. I took some cell phone pics that were better than nothing. Granna said she was going to whip us both for spending our money on them, so the Chief said he found it in a ditch. They both got so tickled about the tree being found in a ditch.

The Chief told me how special it would have been to have a little boy there and have 4 generations and how much he wanted to have a baby. There were times in the past when I would have given anything to hear him say that, but now I just feel helpless. I would do anything for him, but I can't give him a child.

Granddaddy Putting the Star on the Tree

Granna and Granddaddy's Little Tree

Thanksgiving is about....

2009-12-01T20:44:00.001-05:00

FAMILY

What hole?

2009-11-29T12:23:00.003-05:00

You can't even tell we ever had this crisis.

The only thing you can do is laugh...

2009-11-11T09:10:00.004-05:00

Today is Veteran's Day. I am very thankful for my dad who served in the navy during Vietnam and for Chief who is no longer a Veteran but actively serves his country now.

Like every good state employee, I should have slept in today. However, I was awakened at 6:30am to handle a crisis in my own home.

To see the full hilarity of this event, I need to take you back one year. About one year ago I was sitting in my living room and noticed a brownish spot on the ceiling. It was almost the same color as the walls at the time and I thought it was paint that I had never noticed before. I’m very observant, so it really bothered me that I hadn’t seen this before. Then one day I noticed a bigger spot with a darker outline around it and while positioning some pictures on the mantel I noticed that the wall had a crack in it. Just a surface crack like the paint was peeling off. Then I looked up. Straight up from the spot where the paint was peeling, there was a spot on the ceiling. A water leak?

I alerted Chief and the next time it rained we watched the spot and sure enough it was darker in color and wet to the touch. I said we need to do something about this. Chief promised to look at it and said he could probably fix it himself. About 6 months ago I called a roofer to come look at it and he said he could fix it for $1500. Well no way was Chief going to pay $1500 when he could “fix it himself.” On Chief’s behalf he did try to fix it twice and it didn’t work.

Over the last month it got really bad and one day I came home to a hole cut in the ceiling and wall. Chief said I had to see what was going on back there. So for the past two weeks there has been a gaping hole. My mouth has stayed shut. Two days ago Chief found a crack in the flashing and resealed it, knowing that this was it. Tropical Storm Ida was in the forecast so we knew his work would be put to the test, which brings us to today.

Tropical storm Ida rolled in yesterday and Chief said I think it’s fixed. When I got home from work there was a towel stuffed in the hole that appeared to be wet, but I didn’t say anything. We went to bed and several times the heavy rain woke me up. I didn’t even think about the gaping hole. I was enjoying my sleep while Chief got ready for work. He kissed me goodbye and I heard him go into the kitchen. I think I dozed back off and then I heard him coming down the hall with heavy footsteps. He rushed in the bedroom and he had that tone in his voice that I have only ever heard once before when we had an unfortunate accident with our old dog. Millions of things are racing through my head. First I looked to my left to see that the dog was still sleeping. Then I thought somebody must have stolen his truck. Chief said “there’s a small disaster in the living room, I’m sorry, but I’m late for work, I’ve got to go, somebody will be here tomorrow to fix this.”

As I came around the corner, I saw water all over the living room floor. Aroused from my peaceful slumber I was scrambling to find every dry towel in the house. Chief started to go out the door and cursed at himself and then looked at me and we both just burst into laughter.

The moral of this story is that anger and harsh words would not have fixed this situation. Laughter was the best way to handle it. My dear husband even stopped to say “you probably want to take some pictures of this” and I said “yes this will make a good blog.”

* to get the full effect of the photos click on them and they will open in a larger window.

Peace that Passeth All Understanding

2009-11-05T19:36:00.000-05:00

Finally, I have definite confirmation of what's keeping me from carrying a pregnancy. I have had blood tests in the past that showed maybe this or that but nothing definite. I had a follow-up consultation with our RE this week to find out the results of the blood work that she ordered. She was looking for some more specific things that a regular OB/GYN just doesn't look at and won't take the extra step to do.

Looking at the numbers, I definitely have an autoimmune problem. My immune system is confused by a pregnancy and reacts by trying to fight it off such as it would with an infection. One of two things is happening. Either my blood reacts by clotting in the placenta and inhibiting fetal growth or my blood vessels are constricting and cutting off the blood supply to the fetus. This is commonly treated with blood thinner and aspirin. I did take blood thinner and aspirin last time, but there is always the unknown factor. Dr. S said last time that even when all the "problems" are corrected you can still have a miscarriage.

Our RE wants us to try again with aspirin and prescription vitamins before conception and add Lovenox injections and progesterone supplements after conception. There is no logical, medical reason this shouldn't totally correct the problem. However, there is always the unknown random factor that could differ each time. I want to have hope that it will work next time, but since I was on the Lovenox and aspirin last time I just don't know.

She also mentioned that another option for us would be surrogacy. She said she has seen good results in others with similar issues as mine. It would involve in vitro fertilization of our embryo into the surrogate mother. Wow. When I stop to think about it, it is overwhelming. It sounds like such an easy thing, but when I start to think of all the details involved it gets to be a little too much to think about. The crazy thing is I have already had friends offer that to me because they have children and want me to be able to have my own. Just the fact that someone would offer that to me brings me to tears. However, in-vitro would be involved and we don’t believe in that, so how could I?

The wonderful thing is I have peace that passes all understanding.

Philippians 4:6-7 (The Living Bible) “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs and don’t forget to thank him for his answers. If you do this you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus.”

I have more peace than I have had over the last three years. I just needed a reason. A medical reason for this. It still doesn’t provide an answer, just a reason. The question is “why me” which we may never have an answer to. God has prepared me for this though. I don’t have the intense longing and desire to physically be pregnant and carry a baby. I have the desire to be a mother and praise God there are babies and children that need a mother.

Walmart Update

2009-11-04T12:15:00.000-05:00

I sent Walmart an e-mail about my shopping experience. I really did not expect a reply, but today a manager called me. He apologized for my bad experience and said that he has had a lot of turnover with cashiers and he's trying to hire some more so there will be more lanes open and the wait won't be as long. He aplogized many times and said that if I do come back to ask for a manager and I will get a $10 gift card. Hmmm... can you only imagine how that would go trying to get the gift card. Thanks, but no thanks.

However, yesterday I went to the Pig and was greeted once coming in the door by a manager. Then when I was in the produce section another manager spoke to me. Then when I went to check-out there were two cashiers standing out in the aisle that said "I can take you here." They were polite, smiled, looked me in the eye and asked for my PFC card. There were even those F.R.O.G cards (Fully Relying on God) laying by the register for you to take one.

Big on the Pig!

Full House

2009-11-02T19:20:00.006-05:00

Chief and I had a wonderful weekend with a house full of family, friends, and little ones. It was a joy having these precious little ones in our home.

I won't pretend that it wasn't an emotional roller coaster. I had such a good time and was surrounded by people, but I felt so empty at times. As long as I was busy and going I was fine, but when I stopped and looked around I wanted to cry. Especially when some other friends came over to visit and there we were; the three men standing and talking and the women sitting on the floor with the 4 kids running (crawling) around. I felt so out of place. Both of the couples were married after we were and Chief was in both of their weddings, and there they were with two children each. It was also emotional remembering that Halloween 2 years ago I had just had a miscarriage, and Halloween last year I was pregnant. I measure time in pregnancies.

Chief said when he was watching me with "Abby Cadabby" he wanted a child... for me. Chief doesn't vocalize his feelings about our situation that often so it meant a lot for him to say that. Chief also held a baby for the first time this weekend. "Superman" must have melted his heart.

Chief and I ended the weekend with a good Sunday of churchin' at First Baptist Lexington. Check it out if you're in the area.

Walmart Meltdown... I'm going back to the Pig

2009-10-30T10:43:00.004-04:00

When Chief and I first got married I was so excited to plan meals and grocery shop. I even clipped coupons. There is a Piggly Wiggly near our house and I went there because it was convenient and once I learned about Greenbax I was hooked. Chief always said, why don't you go to Walmart. They have everything and it’s cheaper. Ewww, Ughhh, Walmart. I don't think so. But then a year or so ago when gas prices got so high our grocery bill went up and up. I caved in and went to Walamrt and was amazed at how much cheaper a lot of items were such as cereal. So I started shopping at Walmart, but still going to the Pig for fresh produce. Walmart has never, ever had good green or red leaf lettuce.

Everytime I do "big grocery shopping" at Walmart I come home in a bad mood. It's tiring dodging all the people, waiting forever in line, and putting the groceries in the cart, putting them on the conveyor belt, putting them back in the cart, putting them in the car, and then taking them out when you get home.

Last night I deliberately came home from work first and exercised to take a little break before I tackled the Walmart. I even clipped some coupons before I went. It took about an hour to get everything I needed and then I proceeded to the checkout. There were probably 4 express lanes and 5 regular lanes open. The lines were out into the store at each one. I stood in line for 20 minutes steaming about the wait, the fact that they have all these lanes, but only some are open. I read two magazines while thinking that my milk was going to go bad if I stood there any longer. I texted Chief to let him know that I picked the wrong line. Finally, it was my turn. I laid my cloth bags on the conveyor first with the coupons on top. Then I put all my groceries out grouped in like items so it would be easy to put them in the grocery bags. The cashier started asking me what I wanted in each bag. Do you want this in a bag? What else do you want in this bag? This bag is going to be too heavy. Oh for Pete's sake, let me back there. I could have this done in 2 minutes. After instructing her on how to bag my groceries and still wondering if the milk was spoiled yet, I swiped my credit card and got out of there. While putting my groceries in the car, I realized that she hadn't scanned my coupons. I was not about to go back in there to save a few dollars because I was sure by this point that the milk had gone bad.

I walked in the house when I got home and went straight to Chief and said "all I ask is that I can go back to my Pig and pay the extra $20 or $30 dollars." He said ok, no questions asked. He knew better. Then while he was putting the groceries up he said "were you afraid I was going to run out of soup" while holding up a can of Campbell's Chunky. No, I was not, but I had a coupon for $0.75 off 4 cans! A coupon that was never scanned!

Forgive me Pig for betraying you. I'm on the way back and I look forward to your customer service and Greenbax. I look forward to your taking the groceries from my cart and putting them back in and then putting them in my car. But most of all I look forward to being asked "do you want to use your Greenbax?"

I guess I'll find out about the milk tonight with my cereal...

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

2009-10-15T18:24:00.003-04:00

I lit a candle for each one of my pregnancy losses.

It will happen...

2009-10-13T19:45:00.000-04:00

Those were the wise words offered to me today by a young pregnant woman at work. She asked the dreaded question, "Do you have any children?" I realize now she was asking so that she could bring up the fact that she was pregnant. I do understand that it would have been awkward for her just to say, "I'm pregnant." However, I had to endure the discomfort and awkwardness in order to get to her joyous news. I said no, actually I've had 4 miscarriages (I just lay it all out there to start with now.) And bless her heart, she said... "Oh I'm sorry, don't worry, it will happen." What will happen? Somebody please tell me.

She then proceeded to tell me when her next ultrasound was and she would be finding out if it was a boy or girl and she would be sure to copy me on the e-mail when she announced it to everyone. Then this man who was listening in says "my wife's expecting in May." And that's when I thought; ok the fun's over, moving on....

I found a blog that is being written to list 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility. I know I don't like the word infertility, but I can't help what she named the blog. Check it out. It's hysterical and true! If you are there or have been there you will appreciate this bit of humor every day.

Making a difference...

2009-10-09T21:21:00.000-04:00

One bag at a time. I had a similar experience to my mom tonight at Walmart. I have been using cloth grocery bags for several months. I have a hodge-podge that I have gathered. Tonight the couple behind me in line was watching me very closely (you have to be organized to use the bags). The man said to his wife, "we need to start using those." Then she reached over and picked up a couple from the shelf by the check-out and they used them to put their groceries in.

The cloth bags are great because they hold a lot! Almost too much at times and then they get heavy. It helps the cashier if you put your items out in groups of things that will fit together in the bags. All boxed items togther, etc. The big things like clothes detergent, gallon milk, paper towels, etc do not need a bag. Give it a try. Once you start you won't go back.

HSG completed

2009-10-07T17:12:00.001-04:00

The HSG has been completed and I have a completely normal uterus. Good, I guess, but still no answer. That was the most painful thing I have every been through. It was only about 2 minutes, but still, I thought I was going to scream. It felt like she was sticking a knife in me. Valium did nothing except make me dizzy and then fall asleep in the car on the way home. They really should knock you out for that thing. Now I have valium hangover...

I do not suffer from infertility

2009-10-03T19:35:00.000-04:00

Merriam-Webster defines infertile as incapable of or unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy. I am not infertile. I do not suffer from infertility. Just wanted to clarify, we are dealing with recurrent loss.

I have my HSG scheduled for Wednesday. Fun. I did request the valium. This is the last test to be done. I had my blood drawn last week to look for Natural Killer Cells. I haven’t gotten the results of that yet. Is it wrong to hope that the HSG shows a uterine septum? I need something fixable…

A must listen... Ann Kiemel testimony

2009-09-19T21:29:00.001-04:00

http://www.listen.family.org/daily/A000002160.cfm
Click on Listen Now under "How Can I Change?"

From Focus on the Family, Ann Kiemel (public speak and author) gives a testimony of her struggles with miscarriage and adoption. Tears will flow...

The plan

2009-09-16T20:01:00.003-04:00

We had a good appointment with the RE yesterday. I was going to take this one on my own, but Chief surprised me by meeting me at the doctor's office. What a Prince Charming!

After the usual "tell-us-your-life-story-even-though-you-wrote-it-all-down-on-the-pre-appointment-paperwork" part of the appointment we got to meet with the doctor. She was very pleasant and took her time with us. She expressed her sympathy that we have been through all we have, and she apologized for having to ask me all kinds of questions related to the 4 miscarriages.

Unfortunately, my issue is not easy to fix because there is no one thing wrong with me. However, there are some additional tests that she would like perform that have not been done. The reason that they have not been done is because what they are testing for is rare and usually isn't the cause, but when you're in my position what else can you do. So I will have a hysterosalpingogram to see if there are any abnormalities with my uterus. This usually isn't a problem until the 2nd or 3rd trimester, so its probably not what is wrong with me, but it is worth looking at. Also, there are some additional blood tests that look for antibodies that may be causing my body to attack the pregnancy like a foreign object. If this is the case for me it is treatable through aspirin, Lovenox, and an anti-inflammatory steroid. I was on aspirin and Lovenox last time, but I may have been missing the steroid. The last thing she wants to try is antibiotics just to make sure Chief and I do not have any bacteria lingering around that could be causing problems. From my internet research this is only the case in 1% of recurrent miscarriages, but immune problems account for 50%.

All and all, the RE seemed to have a very good practice. The insurance I have now doesn't cover much for infertility or consultations, so they are going to research where and how I can get the tests done for the lowest cost. Also, they called in the antibiotics to Publix where you can get them for free. I had not heard of that, but Publix offers 8 antibiotics for free.

Overall, we feel like we still have some hope for a simple resolution. I won't mention that she threw in the "In-Vitro" term which Chief and I are very opposed to. She said that way we could put 6 embryos in and maybe at least one would take. Kind of like getting 6 miscarriages out of the way at one time. Um..... NO. Chief and I do not believe that God wants us to do extraordinary things that cross the line and therefore we're game for taking pills or shots, but not spending thousands of dollars to force something to happen that's not meant to be. However, to each his own. It's just not for us.

Thankful for children

2009-09-15T10:26:00.005-04:00

In an effort to join my husband in serving our community, I signed up to become a volunteer Guardian ad Litem for Lexington County. My mom has been a GAL in another county for over 20 years, so I am very knowledgeable about the program and she is so proud that I am following in her footsteps. GALs represent children in abuse and neglect cases as their advocate in court and other situations.

I attended the first night of the training last night and of course we had to go around the room and introduce ourselves. Most intros started with "My name is," "I have been married for X years," "I have X number of children," and so on. Why is it that everyone with grown children finished their intro by saying they hoped their children moved out soon, or they're trying to get them to move out, and they're ready for an empty nest so they can have some time for themselves etc. I have been a little more sensitive than usual lately, but it just ticked me off.

If you have children be thankful for them. I don't care if they do annoy you and eat all your groceries, and make a mess. Don't tell other people that you can't wait for them to move out. I am beginning to think we all need to be more like the Duggar's and just be thankful for the children and ask the Lord to bless us with all we can take.

Truthfully, I am just scared that our family is becoming extinct. Every time we visit Chief's grandparents I get very down because I see Chief in his grandaddy and I want to see Chief in his son's eyes, face, and smile. I love recognizing a young person's characteristics in an older relative. We spent a lot of time with the grandparents last week while helping them get their car fixed. They had three children; one girl and two boys. Their daughter had two sons and one of them had two sons. Chief's uncle never married and never had any children. Chief's dad had one boy and one girl. Chief's sister is 8 years younger so there is still hope for her. My parents had one boy and one girl and my brother has one son. We are not a very prolific family on either side and this makes me sad.

I have a doctor's appointment today with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Pray that she will offer some new information if that is what is in the Lord's plan.

A little break

2009-08-31T10:01:00.008-04:00

Chief and I realized when he came back that we actually both needed the time away from each other. Ouch, that hurts, but its true. For the past 2 years I have been totally focused on having a baby. Too focused and I didn't realize that I was neglecting Chief and inadvertently telling him that he wasn't enough. So after this harsh realization that we weren't as focused on each other as we needed to be, we decided to skip town for a few days and reconnect.

We had a wonderful time in Hilton Head exploring Broad Creek, Skull Creek, the Inter Coastal Waterway, and Pickney Island Wildlife Refuge on our jet ski. We weren't sure how that would work out taking our own, but it's the best vacation experience we've ever had. We rented a boat last year, but we were only able to go out for a few hours for big $$. However, the jet ski cost $20 to fill up and we stayed out all day. We stranded ourselves on a little beach on the Refuge, ate cold Chef Boyardee and Pringles, and even found our own Wilson.

So, we had a wonderful time and it was only a week before I returned to my crazy, hormonal self. Thursday I bought a Walmart pregnancy test which I know is accurate if you're really pregnant, but your mind tells you that the more expensive name brand would be more accurate. Friday morning I took the Walmart test (negative), went to CVS at lunch and bough a 2 pack of the 5 days sooner test. I proceeded to take the test in the bathroom at work (negative). But surely this couldn't be right, so I took another one Saturday morning (most probably negative), but I thought maybe I saw a hint of a second line. And I certainly did not take it out of the trash 3 times just to see if it changed....

Chief and I went to visit his Grandparents Sunday. They are so cute, 81 and 85 years old. Just listening to them talk about their life made me want a baby more than ever. Chief and I have to carry on the family. This intense emotion called for another pregnancy test. Please Lord let me be pregnant with a little boy to carry on this branch of the family. So, Chief took me to Walgreens in a thunderstorm where I used the "anything-but-cigarettes" check out line and I got another two tests and proceeded to take one as soon as I got home. There wasn't even a hint of a second line. Why do I do this to myself? $25.00 spent on pregnancy tests this month after I told myself that I didn't need a test, I know when I'm pregnant. Which brings up the slight possibility that I was momentarily pregnant and it just couldn't hang on. And just for fun, I did three days of Lovenox shots while waiting on the test to show up positive.

Now, the cycle continues.... literally. Clomid or no Clomid? New doctor or not? Try or don't try? Pray or pray?

National Dog Day

2009-08-26T15:38:00.003-04:00

In honor of National Dog Day, I would like to share a story about our little rescue. Monday evening I gave the Fire Dog a bath and brought him inside with me to hang out since he was clean. Before bed, I let FD out the back door to take care of business and since the yard is fenced I left him and thought I would go back for him in a few minutes. About 5 minutes later the phone rings and I wonder who is calling us so late. I see my neighbors name on the caller ID and I answer to a giggling neighbor. She said "FD just came in our house." WHAT? The gate on fence wasn't shut and he went to the neighbors, found a way into their fenced back yard, and entered their house through the dog door. LOL! What a surprise for them.

Please share your stories about your rescued dogs....

Let Dreamers Dream

2009-08-13T21:23:00.000-04:00

Chief just returned from a 7 week training class in Petaluma, California with the USCG. 7 weeks is a long time to be apart, but it is my duty, my purpose in this world, to support him in all that he does. Chief is the most self-less person I have ever known. He lives to serve his community and country. I have found that I often feel jealous of him because I know that I can be very selfish at times. Chief will go the extra mile no matter how big or small the task to help someone. He lets people know that he cares. Part of my selfishness is feeling neglected because he is so busy helping others. But now I realize that I could do more. I can be more. I can help more. Chief makes me want to be a better person. We both have so much to offer and since we have not been blessed with children we have the time. I can't think of a better way to spend my life than serving alongside my husband.

He is able to accomplish all that he does because he is a dreamer. He has always had big dreams and he always makes them a reality. At times it has been very frustrating for me as his wife to keep up with him and his new, changing dreams. Early in our our marriage he was a police officer and volunteer firefighter, but he wanted to be a full time firefighter and he made it happen. The he made Battalion Chief and worked part-time as a police officer. It wasn't enough for my dreamer. He wanted to rejoin the Coast Guard and he wasn't able to rejoin the first time he tried, but he didn't give up. He made it happen. My biggest frustration now is that my dream hasn't come true. I have supported Chief in accomplishing his, but we really don't even know where to start with mine. I just ask for the same support in return.

Once again Ginger Garrett covers this in her book.

"Infertility has taught me that the great sadness can come from being denied your heart's desire and being stopped before you can fulfill a dream. I won't wish that on anyone. I've learned that dreamers are vulnerable. They walk along looking at the sky, and it's oh-so-easy to fall and lose heart. If you love a dreamer, get out of their way. Accept their differences. Embrace their passions. Give them the permission to pursue their heart's desire as passionately as you pursue having children."

Chief, I love you and I am proud of you. Keep dreaming!

Looking for signs

2009-08-10T18:19:00.004-04:00

This month started a new time of preparation for the child we long for. I hesitantly, reluctantly, prayerfully took the Clomid. I really didn't want to, but I knew I would blame myself forever if I didn't and then got pregnant and lost it. I started feeling horrible on Day 3 (nausea, headache, restlessness, insomnia, moodiness) and I thought about not taking it on Day 4. Should I really take something that does this to me? Then I popped open the 4th pill and it bounced out and went straight down the sink. Hmmmm. Coincidence? I took it as a sign. I wasn't supposed to take the pill. But then I reconsidered and took the last pill I had knowing I would need to get another one for Day 5.

I opened the best book ever written that has become to mean so much to me through all of this, Moments for Couples Who Long for Children, and the next chapter was titled "Looking for Signs."

"We can get so desperate for a hint of what our future holds that we erroneously begin to read supernatural meaning into mundane moments... Sometimes God does give us supernatural glimpses into what He is about do in our lives, but if we crave these foreshadowings, we will begin to see them everywhere. These "signs" will cause us to become what Jesus described as "adulterous": turning aside from God to anything or anyone who promises to reveal our future. Faith will become frivolous and based on coincidence, not connection with God."

Ok, Ok.... I just dropped the pill in the sink. It was nothing more than that. There was no hidden meaning behind it. So I called the doctor and they called me one pill into the pharmacy. As you may remember my insurance doesn't cover Clomid, but how much could one pill cost. I did get 5 for $18.00. So I am thinking about $3.50. No. $10.21 for one pill. I am an accountant and I just don't think that math adds up.

But whatever, we are praying for God's will. Will you pray with us?

Schlotzsky's

2009-07-22T19:24:00.003-04:00

I love Schlotzsky's and apparently I eat there too much. Last year before they changed the way they make them, I always got a Greek Salad. A big bowl of lettuce, onion, olives, and feta cheese. The drive-thru lady knows me and we have brief drive-thru conversations. She shared with me my appearance on Tax Talk and my 3rd miscarriage. Then they changed the way they make the Greek Salad and now it's pre-made, wilted watery lettuce with a little feta. So I get a Fresh Veggie on wheat with Salt & Vinegar chips. At least once or twice a week. Today however, I brought some Salt & Vinegar Pringles from home, so I just ordered the sandwich and big sweet tea. I picked up my order and drove back to work and opened the bag to find my sandwich and a bag of Salt & Vinegar chips. They didn't charge me for them, just put them in the bag like usual. Cool.